One Last Time (ManxMan)√

One Last Time - 1

I take a deep breath and hold the single white rose in my hand firmly, my palms sweating from nerves, I can't believe I'm doing it. I walk up the step and knocked on the white wooden door, my heart thumping against my chest rapidly. Excited, that's how I feel, to see his face again would make me so happy, would make everything all better.

I ignore the pain in my rib and wait patiently. The door opens and slowly his face comes into view and again I'm blown away by his beauty. His beautiful golden green eyes widen in surprise and I can see the wheels turning in his head.

"What-why? Leo, what are you doing here? "He steps out of the house and onto the porch and I thrust the flower into his face making him lean back in surprise. He blinks, his cute button nose scrunches in confusion before he looks up at me in question.

"One date, that's all I'm asking." Realisation dawns on him and he frowns at me. Please don't say no, I silently beg in my head. His curled hair bounces as he turns his head to the side in frustration. "Please."

"Leo, "Oh, no, I know that voice very well." I don't get you. Why would you come all this way to ask for that? After so long? "I want to tell you but I can't, I think sadly.

"Please, just one more date?" I plead, one last time is all I'm asking, really, it can't be that difficult, right?

"No. "He says firmly but his eyes flash, I know he misses me too, I miss him just as much, he folds his arms over his chest and he shakes his head. " No," he repeats as though he is telling himself this time.

"Please, I'm begging you, just, one and no other." He looks as though he considers it but then he shakes his head and I try not to show my disappointment. It hurts so I rub my chest, I don't have much time.

"You can't do that, it isn't fair, Leo. "I bow my head, I know, Carson, I know. "You can't just expect me to run into your arms, forgive and forget everything you've done. It doesn't work that way. "Tears brim his eyes and I swallow, I'm sorry. If there is one thing I hate the most, it's seeing him like this, seeing him so broken and sad. I hate myself for it, because all I ever do is make him cry." It isn't fair. "He turns away from me and walks back into his dream home, a home I am no longer included in, and it is all my own fault. All my fault.

I walk around the house, I know it better than the back of my hand. Just as expected, the back door is open which leads to the laundry room. I pause feeling like an intruder, forgive me. I walk cautiously and pause by the kitchen table. I put the single white rose on the counter and turn around to the way I came, I will be back.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

I can't give up, right? I want only one thing, just one little thing and I won't bother again. I run my hand over my almost non-existing hair, a buzz cut. I stop at my apartment door and groan, holding my chest, I take deep breaths, calming myself, willing my soul to stay attached to my body just for a little while longer. The pain subsides and I stand up taller and square my shoulders. I open the door and leave the cold and empty room I call home for now. It is bare and empty. Lifeless. Nothing like the home I had once spent hours dreaming of.

I rush down the stairs and out of the apartment building. I get a taxi and head for the park, I know he will be there, that's where he always goes to clear his head and I know that after my visit today, he would need that space. I thank the good driver and pay him with added tip, I won't need it anyway and get out, into the cool July night air. I put my hands in my pocket and pass by a small car but pause as I spot a scented blue rose. I smile at the woman and get one, paying the right amount I bid good bye to her and I am on my way.

I hum a tune, one so very familiar, one he used to sing for me on occasion. I admire the scenery as I walk. The sky was just turning red and orange with a hint of purple as the sun went down. I stop once I spot him. On the bench ahead of me his head is tilted up to the sky, admiring the colours as they form. His curls bounce in the soft wind and his cheeks are red, simply beautiful. I walk over with a small smile and take a seat beside him, his eyes are closed and he pays me no mind.

"Beautiful, isn't it? "I ask softly staring at him and he hums, still not opening his eyes.

"Very," he mumbles, his brows furrow suddenly and he blinks his eyes open and turns to me. I smile and hold out the scented blue rose. He stares at it and looks back up to me. "You really have to stop this nonsense," he mutters but takes it anyway, holding it to his nose and taking a hesitant sniff and then another.

"It isn't nonsense. "

"It is complete nonsense," I smile despite myself, "what are you up to anyway?" He asks. I lick my lips and lean back onto the bench and stare up at the sky.

"Is it wrong to miss you, Carson? Is it a crime?" I took him off guard and he shakes his head in frustration.

"You dissappear the night of our wedding and I don't hear from you for the entire month," he states my crimes, "then suddenly here you are, claiming to miss me," he looks at the vast field of green in front of him with a look of hurt. "Do you even know what I went through? Do you even care how I felt when I got that apology in writing from you just hours before we had to say 'I do'?" He turns to me, his gaze heated. "You ask me,' Is it a crime to miss you'? I answer you, Leo, that yes, yes it is in fact a crime to miss me. What ever you're trying to do, you have to stop it, and you need to stop it now, because I am not emotionally capable of any more hurt, especially not from you. "

I am left alone just after his speech, alone with my own kind of hurt, cold and lonely, he turns from me and goes his way, never minding what my intention had been at the time and I just fill myself with more self hatred. I love you, Carson.