On December 25th, 2013, I asked God for a sign. A sign that showed me what my life was about, something that could guide me in life, and not stray from the path I was meant to take. On December 28th, 2013, God sent me an angel. Now, many of you are wondering who I am or how I knew Kate, to answer that, I am her best friend. Yes you heard correctly, I am still currently her best friend although she's gone to find out what lies beyond living. I'll still be talking to her in my dreams, and the story of her to my kids, because her story, is one that will burn in my heart forever, and I'm grateful I was a chapter in it.
Kate was a quiet and insanely private person, so out of respect for my best friend, I'm not going to dwell on the history or background of her life, I would like however to talk about her more recent past, the kind of person she was, since that's something we'd all be more familiar with. I wish I could say that Kate was a happy person, don't get me wrong, the girl was happy but there was this deep depression behind the queen's smile. She could fool anyone, making people think that she was okay, but she wasn't, and that's what killed some of us, knowing there wasn't a way to change her thoughts, we'd just have to sit back and follow her into the abandoned house. I'm pretty sure all of you know this but she loved horror movies, she'd often complain so much about seeing every single horror flick on Netflix. Maybe she watched so much that her life became one.
To those of you sitting in the audience listening to me, ask yourself, were you there for her? To those of you, who are online, posting on her Facebook wall, tweeting her, and shouting her out on Instagram how you guys were best buds, did so much together and loved each other, realize that NONE OF YOU were there for her.. None of US were there when she needed us the most. We all took her for granted. To be completely honest, I blamed myself most of all. Not only was I terrible to her, but I also didn't put her needs before mine.
I have a confession..
Kate and I weren't JUST best friends. We were in love. I'm certain I still am in love with her. Yet at this point I'm in love with memories. It just isn't fair, you know? How people can just disappear at any time. The last words that were said could've been of hatred or of love. What's the last thing you all said to her? Did you yell at her? Kate finally agreed to date me on January 23, 2014. Prior to this I had repeatedly asked her out but she wouldn't accept and I was persistent. Long-Distance relationships have a bad reputation. Yes, it's the hardest thing, but when you have a connection with a girl like her, you learn patience. She never screamed or yelled. Although I have.. God how I regret it.. You would never hear her voice raise. She had two emotions to show: Happiness and Sadness. Whether either were genuine, I guess we'll never know.
For those of you who said she's selfish, she's the most caring person I have ever met. Even after being tossed around by so called friends worried about their relationship, those that are ignorant and didn't listen to her, I hope you're happy, because THIS GIRL, PUT ALL OF YOU BEFORE HERSELF... Sorry, I got a bit carried away...
She loved children, many of us know that she would teach CCD at her parish, teaching the young ones about Christianity, I'd often bring her coffee, Md. Hot coffee, ten sugars and whole milk. I thought she was insane when she first told me. I wouldn't argue, just sneak a fact that she was going to drink a lot of sugar. All due to the fact of her staying up all night either to homework or just restlessness.
When she spoke of her dreams, I would begin to silently sob over the phone, she had dreams of going to Boston University, major in medicine and pediatrics to become a doctor at Tufts. I'd constantly remind her of this goal, had more of a hold than I did, and she'd laugh and say "I have a better chance getting a job as a receptionist there." In the back of my head I felt as if she's putting herself down to exceed their expectations. I hope I was right.
I always fought with my family, my little sister was always annoying, but Kate, her connection with her siblings simply baffled me. The affection and care she would show Sebastian Jr., I was envious, wishing I had the strength and mindset that she had. Her connection with her older sister and brother were just as amazing. You'd think that her sister would take care of Kate, but from my perspective, Kate protected her more than most of you would think... Congratulations on the Marriage by the way...
" You can't trust anyone." Is a saying people follow, well, people who follow that saying clearly have never met her. She'd keep a secret for as long as you told her to. Never beginning fights, always trying to keep her mother and father happy. Trying to please her grandmother, but she was so focused on her dreams. Working two jobs and being a full time student could get exhausting. I was so comfortable with her, I'd tell her a deep secret, and she wouldn't make a big deal. In fact, she'd help me. She inspired me to do so much more with my life. Ever since I was a kid I had always wanted to join the army, she would ask why I wanted to leave her, of course I didn't, she told me of all the career choices I could take that wouldn't but my life in danger, she wasn't even including us being together.. It was more of me following my dreams without putting my life in danger. She could never stop being selfless, maybe she didn't know how.
I don't want to say in conclusion because there is no end to her, she's still here in our hearts, I know she's definitely in mine. I never understood when people say they'll grow old and when their lover would walk into the room and their hearts race and they tremble. Their anxiety would raise. Hers was terrible, I remember she'd panic often, from nothing.. Sometimes I wonder if it was because I wasn't there, but I always tried to make it seem about me, she hated that... anyway, Our secret relationship had gone on for a year and six months, arguments happened occasionally. There was this one point near the end of our relationship where when I had seen her, my heart didn't raise, I didn't tremble, I didn't get anxious, It just felt so natural to be with her, in her arms. I felt calm, secure and happy. It gave me a sense of something.
Home.
