Off The Record: A Series

11. Light

MAINE

How many times will I put myself down? It's becoming annoying; disheartening. I've been told by people around me that things will be fine, that I will do good, but will I really? Will I really be able to do this properly? Isn't there a huge chance that I'll mess up?

How did a shy being like me even land this very public occupation anyway? I groaned and threw the stapled stack of paper on my bed before flopping onto it after.

Is it really a good thing? I'm afraid I'd let people down. I'm scared.

Instinctively, I reach for my phone and typed a message.

Help me.

Five minutes later, there still wasn't any response. I sighed. He must already be asleep. I decided I'd sleep the anxiety away. That should do it.

But it didn't. I woke up feeling the same way, and it only got worse as the time for me to host came closer. My heart hammered against my chest and I felt weak, my knees shaking.

I checked the clock. 11:30.

Sam came by to check on me, for which i was thankful, but his words of encouragement weren't enough. I still remained a nervous wreck. I could feel my whole body tremble like a leaf. I feel like passing out anytime soon-

Riiiiiiiing! My phone rang. Frantically, I answered it, a hand resting on my chest, trying to calm myself. "Hello?"

"Meng, okay ka lang?" Richard. I felt some of the tension leave my body.

"Ah, o'naman! Bakit mo natanong?" My voice could give me away, it was shaking so much.

"I was just checking on you... and sabi ni Sam, you look like you needed a little push." I looked around and found him giggling by the corner, mouthing what seemed to be you're welcome.

"..just nervous, 'yun lang." She said.

"..'yun nga lang ba?"

"Oo-"

"Eh ano 'yung tweet kagabi?" I fell silent. I didn't think he'd see that. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I decided to be real. My shoulders dropped, body leaning back as I sighed.

"....kaya mo 'yan."

"Uy, grabe," I laughed. "Wala pa ngang sinasabi, alam agad?"

"Eh ano pa ba? Kagabi, 'yan din inaalala mo eh." Why is he like this? I bit on my lower lip, free hand playing with my hair.

"....natatakot ako, eh..."

"I know. Halata naman sa'yo." His voice sounded smooth and gentle that it somehow felt like he was just here, right next to me, arm draped over my shoulders as he comforted me.

".....kaya ko ba talaga 'to?"

"Kakayanin. Be positive, okay?" He spoke kindly, that ever word was like his hand stroking my hair, caressing my forearm to soothe me. "I told you last night, 'di ba? You don't have to be perfect, you just gotta be you. If the people loved Yaya, I'm sure they're going to love Maine more." I slowly broke into a smile, now somehow relaxed.

Bakit ba kapag ikaw ang nagsasalita, parang ang bilis kong mapaniwala?

"If you forget what to do, si Sam bahala sa'yo. Ibibilin kita."

"..mm, okay."

"If nagkamali ka, okay lang. There's always room for mistakes and improvement. That's how we learn." I nodded, now relaxed. Such was his effect on me.

"I'll pray for you," he said. "Close your eyes." I did. "Lord..." He began. As he prayed for me, I prayed on my own, silently, with my eyes closed.

Lord, salamat po at pinadalahan ninyo ako ng anghel dito sa lupa.