The Cabin

The Cabin part 1/2

I woke up with a pain in my chest and a loss of breath. I had to look around myself to understand where I was, at first I couldn't place myself but after a few seconds I remembered my old room. The old room I had decorated myself when I was about ten years old. My mom had refused to let me change it when I got a teenager, the only thing we changed was the size of my bed and my desk, but other than that I wasn't allowed to change my walls. Now, after all these years and including her murder, I was grateful she had refused and stopped me. I felt like a kid again, safe even. But it didn't stop my nightmares. Didn't stop the panic attacks I woke up to each and every night. This one was different though. I had dreamt about the man who confessed his love for me when I almost died in his arms. Only he had been the one laying on the ground. Shot in the chest. I was breathing heavy and fast, yet I felt like I couldn't get any oxygen into my lungs. The walls and memories of my childhood often calmed me but that dream got stuck in my head and my heart refused to slow down, which hurt as hell thanks to the bullet's damage.

"Why?" I whispered to myself as I once again asked myself why I was shot.

Who the hell had pointed their gun at me that day? And why did I feel so alone? I didn't know. Well, I knew the answer to that last question. My dad had left a few days ago due to him being needed at the work and I had literally pushed him out of the cabin saying I was a big girl, that I could take care of myself. Now I kinda regretted that decision. And the feeling only got worse. The dream haunted my thoughts. Was Castle okay? Where was he? Did he miss me? As much as I missed him? I had told him to give me time but somehow I hadn't expected him to actually give me what I asked for. I had expected him to give me 5 days, tops, and that he would call me asking me how I was doing. But now, five weeks later, I still hadn't heard from him and I was honestly getting afraid he had moved on and didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Those were probably the thoughts that had given me the nightmare I'd had. Unconsciously I had known for years I needed him, hell even before I met him I needed him. His books were the things that got me through my mother's murder and my father's alcohol problem. He didn't know that though, and I hadn't had any plans on telling him either, neither was he going to get to know I waited in line for hours to get one of his books signed. My heart was still pumping hard against my sore chest, and my breathing kept on the way it had when I woke up. I also realized I was all sweaty from the fear I had felt from Castle being the one laying on the ground with that damn bullet in his chest. I moved my hands to my eyes to rub away the sleep from them and found I had tears in them as well. I quickly wiped them away and tried to take a deep breath, which only ended up shaky. I turned on the lights and looked around in my childhood room. So many great memories in here but none seemed to help at the moment. I couldn't deal with all the happiness the room had given me, so I removed my covers, took my phone and walked out of the bedroom. I went to the porch which had a beautiful view towards the ocean, the sky was filled with stars and the moon was beautifully full. The worry and panic refused to leave my body though. Nothing seemed to help and I felt my eyes get watery again as I remembered the bullet break through my chest. I could still feel Castle tackling me to the ground and hear his voice in my head as he begged me to stay with him, how he whispered his confession to me. I remembered how shocked I had been but also how I, in that moment, wanted nothing else but to say it back. That's the reason I broke up with Josh, because I had realized it wasn't him I loved. To my relief he had just left without trying to hold me back, probably because he had seen I didn't really love him. I took up my phone and clicked into my photo library. I quickly searched up that one photo I had taken of him when he had fallen asleep on the plane to LA when Royce was killed. He looked like a little boy and I had been surprised by that. He had looked so peaceful and I hadn't been able to stop myself from taking the picture. I hadn't even shown him I had the picture, but he looked adorable. To my surprise the picture didn't help either. The panic attack was still making my heart beat hard against my sore chest and my breathing only got worse seeing the picture and not being able to neither see him or hear him for real. I kept on scrolling through my pictures, trying to find one of him that would help but none did. It was weird since they had helped before. I wiped my tears again and took a shaky breath. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore and went into my contacts to search for the man behind my worst nightmare. If something had happened to him I would've never forgiven myself. I kept my thumb above his name but didn't click. It was in the middle of the night and unless he for some reason was awake he should be sleeping. Without noticing my thumb clicked on his name and his image showed up, telling me I was calling him. Before I could even blink I heard him answer his phone.