Chapter 11 ~ Liam
I have a bad feeling about Tammy. The way she reacts to compliments and those things she said about people taking advantage of you make me think that she has gone through something awful, something that has left a deep scar in her very soul. Maybe too deep. And as I see her walking away while I stay on the same stop, I feel this urge to reach her, take her in my arms and protect her, promise her that she doesn’t need to be scare, that not everyone is awful. I don’t know why I feel like this, she certainly doesn’t look like the girl who needs someone protecting her, in all honesty she looks like that kind of girl who would kill all the zombies if the apocalypse breaks loose tomorrow. Still, I feel like I need to give her shelter. Of what? I don’t know, I just feel like that.
I shake my head and sprint to catch up with her and when I get to her side, she doesn’t do anything, she doesn’t acknowledge my presence and keeps walking as if I weren’t there. I continue stealing glimpses of her, my eyebrows trying to meet as I fight to decipher what happened to her, what she is hiding from me and everyone else, but it’s so hard. Whatever the reason for her to behave like that, to say those things, is so deep inside her that it seems impossible to reach. I don’t even think she wants to get to that part of her scars.
I remember when I met her, when I only thought she was a stuck-up twat, but now I regret of even thinking that. Yes, she behaves like a total bitch, but there’s so much more and I know, I just know there is a powerful reason for her to wear that mask. I just want to know that reason.
But I don’t know how to approach her. We can only connect through the charity, it’s only when we’re with the kids that she cools down a notch and she stops pretending to be an awful person all the time. Only then I can see a bit of the real Tammy, but I know that if I’m nice to her, she will only step back and throw something at me.
I know Harry had a hard time approaching Hannah, too, but for very different reasons. For him kindness and smiles helped. In this case, if I do what Harry died I could end up castrated. I feel like this situation is so similar yet so different and I’m so lost. But I do understand Harry in one aspect: I just can’t back away now. I can’t just give up although I haven’t even started. Somehow, Tammy ignited a spark of curiosity inside and now I feel like I have to know more, I have to know what happened and maybe, if she lets me, help her.
For the rest of the day, Tammy doesn’t even meet my eyes. She ignores me completely and the next day, for the other rehearsals she avoids me too. The four of them are invited to our concert that day, but only Leanne goes. She certainly is the most cheerful of that band, and sociable. I really wish Tammy would be here, so she could see a real show of us, but she is nowhere to be seen and the next day, when they leave, she doesn’t even say goodbye.
And I can’t stop thinking of her until I see her again in the charity.
I’m with Rose, playing with her, trying to get her say something, anything, but she is as silent as a shadow. She is very expressive with her eyes, though. I swear I can understand everything she wants to say by the way she looks at me, or how she takes my hand and squeezes it. I’m not sure if it’s because we really have a bond or because I’m good at reading her, but I like to think it’s because we are, in some level, connected. So I’m playing Scrabble with the little girl –and believe me, she is incredibly good, I’m losing– when Tammy arrives and I know she wasn’t expecting to see me here today by the look in her face.
“I thought you were going to be in another city,” she says, not taking a step closer.
“Break,” is my answer and I focus my attention on the board. Man, I’m being crushed. This is humiliating. I need to improve my vocabulary and spelling. Moni is right, I can’t be almost twenty-one and write like I am a monkey. “I’ve missed them, I had to come,” I add breaking my skull to think of a good word. Rose is grinning proud of herself, knowing she is too good for me.
We’re never playing Scrabble again. And the worst part is that many of the kids from the charity are having fun at watching how Rose kicks my arse on this game. Could my ego get any more crushed?
“You and your breaks,” she mutters and I want to chuckle. I must admit something: I’ve missed her, too. She hasn’t even texted me back calling me noob or something. “How’s everyone for the gig?” She asks and I don’t look at her, I know that if I do she will stop talking.
“Excited. We have a meeting this Monday. I texted you but you didn’t reply,” I tell her and I have to fight the urge to turn and look at her. I need to focus if I want to finish this game with some dignity.
“I saw it, I just didn’t think it was necessary to answer.” She sounds so cold and I wonder if when she said she didn’t care she really meant it. “By the way, you’re terrible at this game. Give up now before it’s too late,” Tammy adds and I hear her footstep approaching and soon her hand is grabbing some letters and forming the best word of my whole game. And it’s sad because I could have never thought of that word although I had the letters. What does it mean ubiquitous? “It means omnipresent, you dumb-head,” she answers as she could hear my thoughts.
“I knew it,” I say making the kids laugh and Rose giggle softly. I look quickly at Tammy and she is smiling.
“And you’re the clever of the band?” She asks and I raise my eyebrows surprised, gladly surprised.
“Have you been watching our interviews?” I question and she rolls her eyes.
“Leanne did. She told us all, as if we care,” is her answer but for some reason I do think she watched the videos, too. “But honestly, how dumb are your friends?”
And the kids laugh, as they usually do when Tammy teases me or anyone. They really have a good time when she is here, moreover, other kids have approached since they spotted her.
“We can’t play the Weakest Link,” I answer and this time she laughs and I’m surprised she recognises the Doctor Who reference –with Moni and Mila, two massive Whovians, and now Savannah, we’re kind of forced to watch every episode–, which means she watches the show, too.
“I’m not surprised,” she says and to my surprise, she sits next to me and helps me with my next move. Everyone is gathering around us to see our match of Scrabble. Still, Rose wins. I was just too behind, there was nothing Tammy could do to save me, but at least I didn’t lose for too much.
After that we spend more time with them, telling them about the gig that will be next Friday, how everything is going great and that we’re raising a lot of money to help them all. They make us sing a song for them, so Tammy plays the guitar and I sing whatever song the kids want. They really enjoy seeing us next to each other, singing, getting along.
So far I’ve found two ways to be near Tammy without her trying to slice my throat. One: the charity. She softens here, she smiles honestly and forgets about being the bitch of Prodigy. And the other is when she has a guitar with her and she gets lost in the music. When she does that it’s another Tammy, a pure and untouched Tammy, someone who doesn’t seem to belong on this planet, someone who came from another place. Her smile, her eyes, her whole body language changes and when she looks at you there’s no anger, there’s no weariness, there’s no mockery. When she sings, she just takes my breath away.
“I really wanna see you all on stage!” Kim, a girl of fourteen tells us after we finish singing a song from Justin Bieber. Tammy had to look for it on YouTube to learn the chords and play it. It still impresses me that she needs to hear the song only once to get it perfectly and even improve it.
