Scars Not Often Seen

Invisible Scars

I don't know what to do I feel so dirty. I am disgusted with myself. What did I do to deserve this? I have been doing everything near perfect. I mean if it was possible to be perfect I am sure I would have done it by now.

Why me?

The police have been in my room three times since it happened. They don't know what to say. I mean what can they say? This didn't happen to them did it? My mum is crying downstairs she doesn't understand why they keep coming upstairs? I wish they wouldn't keep coming upstairs. Mum said the doctor is on his way, why do I need the doctor for? I am not the one going up and down stairs and having emotional break downs.

Oh wait.... I am the one doing that.

They want me to tell them what happened... if I can remember. How am I supposed to forget? It happened this morning. I told them the whole thing. The way we had a fight the way he told me how if I wasn't careful I would get what was coming to me. I soon found out what that was. I hated every minute of it, but what was I supposed to do.

I went to hide in the toilet and locked all the doors in the girl's toilets. He soon broke through. Everyone told me not to anger him and to stay quiet. Why didn't I listen? I thought I could handle it my parents always said I was able to look after myself, that I had a bad judge of character. It only started of as a bit of a laugh...I wish I never came now...that I never spoke to him.

I have been having nightmares for the past week now. They won't let me go back to school... but I am not the criminal here he is he was the one that sexually harassed me not me harassing him.

The police have turned up... it's PC Plod that isn't his real name I just call him that for fun and it annoys him his real name is Tom. He asked if I was ready to say anymore about the night of my attack... I take in a deep breath and I start to re-live that horrifying night.

The fear that filled my body as I ran down to the toilets whilst everyone else was still at the party... how he was running after me...how I locked the bathroom door so he couldn't enter. The high pitched scream I released as he started to break through the door in such anger. I hated it you know; the way that no one seemed to hear me the way I needed assistance but I was left on my own in such a terrifying event.

He soon got through the door though and as I tried to get away... you know through the door that he has just broken...he lunges forward making me jump back he pushes me against the wall the hot pipes burning through my soft skin on the back of my neck... his hands are around my wrists keeping my arms above my head...his body pressing against mine...his hot breath against my ear as he whispers in my ear. I hate how close he is to me but he doesn't seem to care.

He slowly kisses my neck. I hate it. I pull away. He stops and wraps one of his hands around both my wrists but still keeping them against the wall, with his spare hand he turns my face so that I have no choice but look at him... he starts saying things like "how it is new for me to have a girl that will still not give in" and that "I find it a turn on". So at that remark I spit in his face and so he hits me. This in turn makes me go a bit dizzy... he starts kissing my neck his right hand working its way down to my top he slowly starts to un-button my shirt I don't want him to do it but fear has made it so that I can not move. I feel sick ... he has now undone my shirt and works his way at my bra un-doing the clips he slowly takes the shirt of me my fingers are free and so I grab onto what is left of my dignity and hope by not letting go of my cuffs... but alas there is no hope left no one has heard my calls, my pleas and he takes it of with such a great ease. He takes a tiny step back to look at his work he seems quite pleased but I can tell the worst isn't over yet.

Tom is looking disgusted his face has gone a pale green colour; I don't know what to say so I stop where I am I soon realise that I have been crying my face stained with salty tears, Tom stands up saying that he thinks it is enough for one day and that I should go back to sleep, so that is what I do I close my eyes that feel heavy and the voice of my mother saying "do you want a cup of tea?" Fade in the background I am once again alone in my sleep.

I have fallen back into where I left of with Tom when telling him of that fearful night but this time that man called John is now stroking my face tenderly at where he has beaten it new cuts and scars that have been formed from his anger, my punishment. He pulls me up and at this I hit my head on one of the pipes along the ceiling. My eye sight starts to go blurred and I can't see anything clearly he says that it will be a quick punishment and that he hopes I learn from my mistakes that I don't back chat at him again. He drags me by my hair into a nearby cubicle, the music so loud that my head is banging my eyes start to tear as he ties me up so that I am unable to move I plea with him begging that if he lets me go I won't tell the police...he listens at my pleas but soon he gags me telling me that I should stay quiet if I don't want him to hurt me more or make it last longer. I soon start to click on what will happen. I lose consciousness.

I wake up my clothes are torn and are all over the girls bathroom, I to am still tied up I move my hands finding that he wasn't very good at his knots and soon untie them with my hands and teeth. I get dressed in my torn clothes and run home all that goes through my head is "get home and I will be safe, just get home and it will be better"

I wake up my mum is by the foot of my bed "darling you are okay you are home it was just a nightmare again." She says. "why don't you go have a shower and come downstairs I have some good news for you", so that is exactly what I do the hot water waking my tired skin, the shampoo making my hair smell of mint. I soon get dressed after my shower and walk down our old Victorian staircase; I like our house it's filled with great memories. Mum is sitting at our table in the tango room, it is actually our living room but I call it the tango room as it is a bright orange she calls me over saying to take a seat then she drops the bombshell "you want us to move. Move where, all my friends live here, I gave up everything for us to come here I gave up a good education to come to this place because you wanted a home and now you want me to move, again!" "I know it is a bit of a shock but the police think it would be good for you to move you know a clean slate and all instead of all the mess with the court it might help you sleep better" she replies. I can't sense much emotion from her she really does feel like this is the right thing to do so I give in and say we can move.

The alarm goes of I am in a new bedroom this one is painted a dark red colour it has an oriental feel to it. I get dressed and have my breakfast, put my school bag on and leave for school. A friend of mine is waiting to show me the way to our bus. My new school is okay I guess but the boys don't seem to have any sense of sensitivity then a hand is on my shoulder and I turn its John I go to grab the hand but as I do so he disappears. I thought this would make you leave but itdoesn't you will always be apart of me a permanent stain on my cloth of memories like wine on a white shirt, I scrub and scrub but you won't come of, I will never be free. You have scarred me for live, a scar of which only you and I can see.