Breathless days

Wkaldidla

"i was sick,
so i sent out pictures
of myself in blankets,
curled up miserably in bed
with six boxes of tissues beside me
and each of my friends
sent me their love in their responses
i was sick,
so when you asked,
i listed my symptoms like they were
my favorite actors
and you promised you'd give me
yesterday's homework and that
i should rest until i was feeling ready for action
i was sick,
so i accepted soup and
tea and let myself
complain loudly but
when i was
too sad to function
or having a panic attack or
unable to stomach another day
of being broken
i sent out no pictures of myself
even though i was wrapped up,
miserable and alone in sweaty blankets
surrounded by six boxes of tissues but silent
to my friends,
no,
i told no one what was happening, i said,
"I'm fine, i'm tired, it's been a long week," i
lied through my sorry teeth and made myself
walk through each day like a battlefield
and accepted no help because i didn't deserve it,
took no time off because i couldn't afford it
i was sick,
sure,
but it wasn't real enough
and when i was growing up, unless i was throwing up
i was alive enough to get things done
so i told myself i wasn't sick at all,
just lazy and stupid and unable to focus, just a big
disappointment
i was sick but i didn't want to ask for attention
or make people think i was too weird to be their friend or
be one giant burden and
i was sick
so i suffered in silence."
[o.h]