I Melt With You

Smile Like You Don't Care

I had always known, I suppose. He was a shell of a broken person. He was someone I wanted to fix. I had always liked that--fixing people who seemed broken beyond repair. I enjoyed the joy and excitement that came when they realized that I had saved them. But Brendon was a different case. He wanted me to save him. I knew he did. That song wasn't bullshit. He simply couldn't. He was so...so...fuck, I couldn't explain it. There was no word for it. If there was, I wouldn't have known it.

So I expected it. I expected him to be sobbing, drunk and high on the floor of his studio. His hands were cradling his face, wet with tears. His hair which had been so neatly trimmed was now a mess, sprawled out everywhere. And God, his eyes that used to be vibrant and excited were now lifeless and reddened. It broke my heart. The man I so passionately loved, who had never felt anything for me, was so vulnerable at this moment.

"Go away," he managed to say, after choking on some of his sobs and tears.

"No," I said tersely. I couldn't leave him alone, not when he was like this. "What happened, baby?"

"Nothing."

I rolled my eyes. "That's a fucking lie and you know it. What happened?" I had a good idea of what had happened, since Ryan was nowhere to be seen. Plus, his lips were shiny with spit and puffed from biting.

He rubbed his eyes and sniffled another time and he brought his knees up to his chest, hugging himself. In those moments, he looked like a kid, desperate for someone to care for him. "I kissed him."

I knew it. I already knew that. But if I already knew, why did it hurt so much? Maybe it's because he had confirmed my doubts. "It's okay, baby," I squeaked. I was hurt. Of course I was. But if I loved this man like I had claimed on the day of our wedding, I would support him through anything and everything. Even if he didn't--no, couldn't--love me back.

"No, it's not fucking okay. I'm supposed to love you. I-I'm not saying I love him, babe, it's just, I can't fucking--"

"Brendon, shh," I tried to say, holding his head to my chest and stroking his hair. He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck.

"I'm just so fucking confused, Sarah. I don't have feelings for him anymore, I just miss him so much. And I shouldn't. I shouldn't miss him because we're different people and he's a different person and I'm a different person."

All I could do was nod. I didn't trust myself to speak because I didn't want to put him through anymore of this...shit our lives had turned into. We were fake, plastic--as real as love at first sight or eternal happiness or fairy tales.

Finally, his crying ceased and he looked up at me. God, he was so beautiful, but so, so messed up. His eyes were visibly darker, but still lacking the emotion and vigor I knew he once had. "Sarah, I-I don't think I love you." And fuck, I knew this. I knew this because in the back of my brain, that tiny voice in my head had whispered this countless times. But the princess in me, the girl who wanted to live in a fantasy land, couldn't accept that. So I pushed away that voice, locked it up deep inside my cave of insecurities, and pretended that everything was okay. Brendon was my prince who was supposed to sweep me away from all my troubles, except he wasn't. He just added more stress into my life, but I couldn't fucking let him go because it wasn't a burden to me. I loved him so much that it was seen as just a part of himself that he had given to me. I knew Brendon's insecurities and troubles when no one else could read him. And so he was never a burden to me, but I knew I was a weight on him. He couldn't live with himself knowing that he didn't love the woman he married. And so as much as I wanted to cry and yell at him asking, "Why don't you love me? Why can't you love me?", I shut my mouth and nodded. Tears streamed down my face, as well, and we were such a mess. A fucked up, beautiful thing.

"I know you don't, baby, I know."