I Melt With You

Stop, No Not Yet

I sat parked in my driveway, struggling to breathe. My chest was tight and it hurt to even inhale. Every exhale caused a sharp sting in my nose and it was ragged, short. My vision blurred with a mix of dizziness and tears and I couldn't function. The slight buzz on my lips was still there, but it was faint enough to make me question whether or not I had imagined that, or if it had actually happened.

I staggered out of my car as if I were drunk or high, but I wasn't. I was just confused. Scared. Terrified. What had I done? What had we done? I wanted to say I was falling in love with him all over again, but no, this wasn't falling slowly, this was collapsing on me like an avalanche. I had never fallen out of love with him, it was just more subtle. And I was so afraid of what would happen if we ever saw each other again. Obviously it wouldn't end well.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I didn't know what to think. My heart was beating too fast. As I dragged myself into my home, I collapsed on the couch, pushing all thoughts of him and the past events out of my mind.

...

A loud slamming noise abruptly woke me up from my sleep and I shot straight up. I groaned and realized it was someone knocking on the door. I sucked in my breath and braced myself. It was going to be him, right? He would probably scream at me, saying it was my fault. I should have never entered his life again.

I twisted the knob, opening the door, and closed my eyes, gritting my teeth.

A sharp sting of pain erupted onto my cheek and I opened my eyes and saw the angry, blotchy face of Sarah Urie. The first time I had seen her, she had looked angelic, ethereal. Now she looked broken and twisted and utterly upset.

"You fucking promised me," she cried. Hopelessly, she battered at my arms as I could only just stare at her in horror. The woman who had sacrificed so much for a man who didn't love her back was finally crumbling. Finally cracking.

I blinked twice, forcing myself to focus on the situation at hand and spat, "I didn't promise you anything, fuckin' hell, Sarah!"

She grabbed my hand and stared daggers into me. "No, you fucking promised me you wouldn't hurt him again. And what do you do? You fucking kiss him and leave."

I instantly feel a huge weight drop in my stomach. She knew about that? Apparently. "L-look, Sarah, I didn't mean for--"

A cynical chuckle escapes from her mouth. It vaguely reminded me of how I reacted after the Panic! split. I acted as if I were okay. I was not. I was dying inside. But every single damn day I convinced myself that I was better off. And now Sarah had to go through the same process. "I don't fucking care if you kissed him! What I care about is if he's happy. And it seems like you messed him up even more. I didn't even know that was possible--you broke him even further with one fucking kiss."

I knew I should have treated Sarah better because she was obviously not in the right state of mind. Her husband that she had loved so desperately finally confirmed her fears. He didn't love her. What made it worse was that he had cheated on her with an ex band member he fell in love with six years ago. But no, I was angry. Everyone was crying over Brendon.

"No, fuck off!" I retorted. "No one ever gives a damn about me anymore! Do I need to remind you how I was utterly tricked and humiliated by a fan all those years ago? Some crazy fucker pretended to be Brendon and contacted me. And what did I do? I took their bait and opened up to them. I told them I wanted to make music again! That I was sorry for everything I had done in the past! And what do I find out? It was never him. And after that, he never talked to me. Sarah, I know you love him, b-but...fuck!" I kicked the wall out of anger and rested my forehead against it, shutting my eyes. I didn't have time for this. Nothing was making sense anymore. I didn't even know what I was saying. I heard Sarah's choked back tears in the background as I tried to clear my mind.

A light hand brushed my shoulder and I was enveloped in warmth. She was hugging me. I opened my eyes and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she needed it more than I did. She had sacrificed so much for my boy. I winced. My boy, I thought bitterly. He wasn't mine. But he wasn't Sarah's. Maybe he didn't belong to anyone.

I rubbed gentle circles into Sarah's back as she sniffled, "I'm sorry." She pulled away and stared at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"So what now?" I asked after a moment of silence.

She shrugged and replied, "Who knows?"