Random One Shots

Radio

Suicide Trigger Warning

She sat in her old car, breathing in and out. In and out.  She scratched at her wrist, wanting to curl up into a ball. She couldn't explain her sudden sadness, she never would be able to. And She knew it. She knew it, and it made her want to scream. She wanted to scream out, even if no one heard her.

The thoughts within her head bothered her, almost as much as her breathing did. Inhaling felt like fire, exhaling made her desire something more. Her time was running out, and at that moment, she knew how scared normal people would be. Still, she wondered about something great, but the exact thought eluded her.

She had thoughts like that extremely often, almost every day. Ever since she vowed to stop using her radio, she'd noticed a lot more things. She noticed the sounds from other cars, other people, and just how important time was. How messed up her mind was. "Violence doesn't always have to be loud." That was her first and, quite frankly, her worst lesson. It tortured her mind.

The first thing to go was her pride, she could no longer keep it safe, instead, she wore it on the top of her sleeve, right where it could take a beating. The second was her sense of sanity. There was no sound for her to distract herself from the re-occuring thoughts on the people she'd killed in her dream last night. It made her skin crawl. She started to hate her car, because that was where all her thoughts happened. And as she drove, the thought of pulling the steering wheel came to mind. It was the fact that she could just kill herself, right then and there. 

She actually considered it for a moment, too, but finally thought against it. The thoughts started again. They never seemed to end. She had the strong urge to turn on her radio, to distract herself from her own mind, but something told her not to. So she decided against that as well.

A terrifying thought came to her mind, one that asked a question that she was not yet ready for. She almost reached for the radio, but she didn't. She was finally scared. She knew it. She'd built a wall between her true self and what she wanted to be using the radio. A fucking radio. She hid all her fears away by using her radio. As she thought about it, she figured that all of humanity had done such a shameful thing for centuries, humanity ran away or hid their fears just to live ignorantly. It was nothing out of the ordinary, especially by now. These thoughts eventually turned into her questioning the purpose of humanity, why we were created. What was the point?

She stopped at a red light. She wanted to stop the thoughts, too. She'd gone too far down--she'd gone to a dangerous place. At this point, she didn't even want to think anymore. She wanted to turn the radio on, but couldn't even bring herself to do it.

It was only a distraction for a certain amount of time. It was useless. She had to be brave, she could learn to overcome this. She could use "peace," and the other choice-- "fear"-- she'd be screwed if she gave into it.  If she focused on the peaceful things, she'd be able to get through. It was possible.

She could also rely on her faith, her faith would keep her going as well, right? As much she'd love to, she couldn't just run away, she couldn't just give up on her life and die. But she also knew that if she chose faith, it would mean that she would have to be awake, alert, she had to think the horrible thoughts that would shoot through her soul like arrows or spears made specifically for her suffering. Even so, she figured that thoughts like that occurred to everyone. It was one of the many cons of being alive. She needed to tell people this.

She wrote down her words, her feelings, in the small letter. She wrote what she'd learned. She told them that it was fine to think of her as a hypocrite. It was her fault, after all. She'd let the fear eat her alive, she finally chose sleep.

As she got in her dead silent car one last time, she felt the final wave of violence wash over her. She was ready, and she wasn't scared. As she parked and got out of her car, she walked over to a nearby intersection. She didn't know she was choosing this-- she could've hung herself, or taken pills--but no, there she was,  casually walking her way towards death. 

The light turned green, the cars began to take off. She darted toward one car, a blue car, and sat down in front. The car didn't have time to swerve, and it certainly didn't have time to stop. There was thump and she felt her head hit the ground before she fell asleep. She didn't wake up.

A/n

Yes, yes, this was inspired by Car Radio. I don't exactly know why I wrote this. I think it's because I keep thinking like this, and it's getting hard. Whatever, I'll be fine.

Well,

BYE!