May 26, 2013. Our two month anniversary…spending it alone. I can’t believe she would actually cheat on me after everything we’ve been through. All the up and downs…all the kisses and hugs. All the wrestling and pretend arguments. All the love… It’s all gone. How could I be so stupid? I knew if I let her see him, it would turn into something bad. I knew if I let her reconnect with someone she once had feelings for, they would slowly return. I just knew it. How could I be so damn stupid as to let the girl I love hang out with another guy? I sighed. Diggy, you’ve let this happen before, you’d think you learned. But I guess not. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes; remembering what happened last week. How hurt I was to see her with Xavier. How crushed I was to find out she lied to me. How my heart broke to see her cheating on me… My heart ached. Oh, how I long to know what was going through her mind that night. Just to hear me yell and curse at her. To feel alone. Having tears stream down the sides of her face because I was upset with her. To feel like I didn’t love her… I stopped breathing for a second and found myself having second thoughts. I found myself thinking I don’t ever want her to feel like I don’t love her because I do. She might not know it yet…but I do. I took a deep breath as my thoughts got deeper. It was because of my love for her that kept me from screaming at her more. It was my love that kept me from making a huge scene in the restaurant. But more importantly…it was my love that kept me from breaking the whole thing off. I might be crushed because of what she did…but I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Then I started thinking about this past week. How I’ve been ignoring her all week. Dodging her phone calls left and right. Acting like she doesn’t exists…and that we’re not a couple. Not even making an effort to talk things out. Acting like I don’t care when in reality; it’s killing me. Seeing her cry and thinking that’s her punishment. Acting like I don’t love her… Okay, maybe that’s a little too far. Yes, she hurt me and I want her to suffer the consequences, but I don’t want her to feel unloved…at all. And from her voicemails she left on my phone…she’s suffering. She’s told me multiple times that she’s sorry but she never cheated on me. And even when my heart ached to reach out to her, I still chose to ignore her. Even when I knew she’d cry all night…I still never bothered to pick up the phone. I still told myself since she lied to me, that she’d lie about not cheating on me. Even when she said she didn’t, I still told myself she did. As I lay in my bed I started thinking why I choose to make all these assumptions without knowing the actual facts. One answer kept appearing in my thoughts but I kept ignoring it until I couldn’t anymore… Joslyn. I kept telling myself it didn’t have anything to do with Joslyn. It wasn’t Joslyn’s fault for making me think and do these things to and about Courtney. And that’s when it hit me. I called Courtney Joslyn the night I spotted her with Xavier. Ohmygod. I thought back to the night I saw Joslyn making out with a guy named G. Oh, how I yelled at her. Oh, how I was done with her after that. And that’s when I realized the real difference between Courtney and Joslyn. I was done with Joslyn after that…but even if I think Courtney did the same thing…I will never be done with her.
“Daniel! Someone’s at the door for you!” I heard my mom scream from downstairs. I groaned and sat up. As I hopped off my bed, I found myself hoping it was Courtney. As I walked down the steps, I started thinking of what I would say if it was her. I took a deep breath as I opened the door, prepared to see her depressed face. But to my discomfort, it was Jacob. “Hey man,” He had his hands in his pocket as he walked inside. “Hey,” We walked in the living room and sat on the couch. “How you holding up?” I sighed as he stared at the ground. “…I don’t even know, man.” I shook my head. “Like I’m so upset with her…but I miss her so much.” He sighed. “I know you do. And I don’t know what you want me to say…I mean, I don’t want to tell you to talk to her because it’s your decision…and I don’t want to tell you that I talked to her…so…” He shrugged. “Wait, you talked to her?” I looked at him as he took a deep breath. “Yes…” I sighed. “…What’d she say?” He turned towards me. “Um…she told me what happened. She told me how you yelled at her, and how upset you were.” I stared at the ground. “She told me how wrong she was for lying to you…and how she’ll never do it again. But also Diggy, she said she didn’t cheat on you.” I looked at him, thinking of course she’ll tell you that. But another part believed her. “…And I believe her. I mean, yes, she was wrong for lying to you, and she knows that…but I don’t think she would actually cheat on you.” I remained silent for a minute. “…I know,” I mumbled. “And Diggy, you need to be honest with yourself. You know you’re only thinking she cheated on you because Joslyn did. But you and I both know that Courtney is different from Joslyn.” I nodded. “I know,” “Well if you know, then why won’t you make things right with Courtney? You know you can’t keep going on like this. You know it’s killing you.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know…” He sighed. “Do you want things to end between you two?” Of course not. “No…” He looked into my eyes. “Then talk to her,” I shook my head. “I-I can’t,” He sighed loudly. “What do you mean you can’t?” He shook his head. “You must really want this to end. You must really want to lose Courtn-“ “Don’t even say that Jacob because you know it’s not true. You know I would do anything to save our relationship. But because of Joslyn, I take things a lot more serious now. And because of that, it’s going to take time for me to get through this. My mind knows Courtney didn’t cheat on me, but my heart believes that since she lied, she did. And I just need some time to get all of me to believe that she didn’t cheat on me.” “Do you know what she’d be doing if she actually cheated on you?” I stared at him. “She’d be in Xavier’s arms; not caring about you. She’d be in love with Xavier and forgetting everything that you two had. She’d care about Xavier instead of you. But do you want to know what she’s really doing?” I didn’t respond. “She’s spending nights crying because she hurt you. She’s wishing she’d just die so she wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of not having you. She’s wishing she never even walked into your life. She thinks you don’t care about her anymore…She thinks you don’t love her. Need I go on?” My heart broke as he said that. I shook my head. “Now, think about this question.” He paused. “…Does your heart still think she cheated on you?”
Right after he asked that question, I knew the answer. No Jacob…my heart now knows she didn’t cheat on me.
Even though I know Courtney didn’t cheat on me, it not like I could just forget about her lying to me. It not like I can just disregard the knowledge of her lying and make everything right again. No matter how much I wanted to…I knew I couldn’t. I sighed as I walked into school. I had my head down, trying to think of how to work this out. Like…I love Courtney, and I want her to stop hurting, but I’m still a bit upset about her lying to me…and I just don’t have the determination to talk to her. It’s almost like…I don’t feel like it. Of course I want things to turn back to normal between us but… My heart cracked as I saw her walk down the hall; her hood pulled over her head and tears streaming down her cheeks. I closed my eyes. Ohmygoodness. It hurts me so much to see her like this… I-I need to talk to her. I slowly began to make my way over to her when a teacher stopped me. “Simmons. Class, now.” He pointed in the direction of my class as I sighed. “Alright,” I glanced over my shoulder at Courtney who was staring at me. I sighed and turned around; slowly making my way down the hall…
“Daniel! You need to make things right, now!” Lanisha barked from behind me. I sighed and turned around. “I will,” I mumbled looking into her angry eyes. She glared at me. “When? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? No Diggy, you need to talk to her now. I’m sick and tired of seeing her cry. I’m sick of her seeing her hurt because of something she didn’t do. I know she lied to you, but she’s suffering, okay? Do you not know how much you mean to her? Do you not know how much she cares about you? She would never cheat on you.” She folded her arms across her chest. “When are you gonna realize that?” She snapped and I took a deep breath. “I already have,” I mumbled while closing my locker. “Then…why haven’t you talked to her?” I shrugged and she sighed angrily. I glanced at her before I saw Courtney appear at her locker. She looked awful. “…I’m about to right now.” I threw my backpack down and Lanisha smiled. “Finally!” I heard her chant as I walked towards Courtney. “It took you long enough!” She laughed and I rolled my eyes. “Gosh, waiting a whole week to talk to her…” I glared at her. “Shut up?” I gave her a look and she was silent. “Sorry,” I rolled my eyes as I stepped behind Courtney…
Ohmygod…what am I going to say? I have no idea how to start this. I took a deep breath and Courtney must’ve heard me because she turned around. “D-Diggy?” Tears filled her red eyes as she looked at the ground. “I-I was just leaving,” She took a deep breath as she grabbed her backpack from the ground. “Bye…” I took a deep breath. “Courtney,” She turned around as I took a step closer to her. She sniffled as she looked into my eyes. It was killing to me see her like this. I hated seeing her cry. My hands shook as I placed my thumbs to her cheeks; wiping away her warm tears. She wrapped her fingers around my wrists as I held her face. “…I-I’m so sorry.” She cried and I shook my head. “Shh…” I lifted her head and looked into her eyes. “We’re going to get through this.” She nodded and sniffled. “I promise,” I kissed her forehead gently before letting her go completely. I motioned towards the door and she followed me out of the school. We walked to an empty bench and sat down; ready to talk this all out…
