The Sharpest Lives

Chapter Four: Tell Me Where We Go From Here

[Frank]

There were a lot of things I wanted to scream at that point, but for the sake of what little sanity both of us had, I restrained my fury for the time being.

I didn't think he'd fallen this far. Far enough that….that he'd be…doing this. Of all the things I thought he'd never do, this was one of them. Drinking until he passed out was also one of those things, but I'd already been proved wrong.

I could be proved wrong again.

The pain was almost unbearable. It tore me apart to see him like this. I'd only noticed the smell when he'd gotten into the car beside me, wearing that jacket. I'd been suspicious, but I'd put it off, thinking that I was just being paranoid. Even if he didn't deserve it, I'd trust him a little.

So much for my stupid fucking trust.

Eventually, the smell started to really bother me, enough that I could barely concentrate on what Gerard was saying to me and where I was going. I realized that if I kept this up, I'd end up crashing the car and killing us both. So I reluctantly tuned out his voice and took a minute to decide what I was going to do about it. Do I ask him straight out, or do I wait and snoop around his apartment later?

I decided I had to be honest with him now. If I wanted him to tell me the truth, I couldn't be a hypocrite and keep things from him. So even if it hurt our relationship now, I just hoped that we could work it out. Somehow.

Well, I tried the direct approach. I asked him to tell me what it was that he was hiding. Either he'd completely forgotten, or he was trying to lie to me to stop me from finding out, because he acted all confused and betrayed. But I still found out. And I so wished I hadn't.

For a long time, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't settle on one thought long enough to voice it. I wanted to yell at him and give him a two hour long lecture on how we all said that we'd never do something like this, I wanted to hit him across the face to see if that would knock some sense into him, I wanted to kick him out of the car and drive off without him, I wanted to call the police to take him away from my disgusted self.

I wanted to hold onto him and never let him out of my sight because that seemed like the only way I could make sure he wouldn't do this to me again.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. If too much happened at once, I found it hard to think straight. I always needed a minute to find myself again. I suppose Gerard and I were similar in the way that we had a lot to deal with everyday. We just dealt with these things differently.

Very differently.

It caused me a lot of pain, thinking about what he was doing to himself, and what he'd done while we'd been apart. There was nothing and no one holding him together. No wonder he'd stooped this low. For once, I couldn't hold back all the tears that pushed against my will, screaming to be let out. One escaped, and I hoped he didn't see it. He didn't need to see this.

But then a part of me, a part that never wanted to believe that he couldn't be saved, wondered if maybe there was a reason for this. Maybe I was jumping to conclusions…like a parent would if they found their kid dangling from a tree for instance,  and got mad, only to find out that he was just trying to get some toy down that his sister really loved…

So maybe I was the angry parent. And maybe the punishment I wanted to give wasn't deserved.

But Gerard wasn't a child anymore. I couldn't think that he was flawless forever. I'd overlooked these flaws of his for far, far too long. It wasn't helping anything.

I turned to look at him, and found him staring out of the passenger window, avoiding my eyes. I still caught his reflection in the side view mirror. His face was horrified. At least I didn't have to ask if he felt guilty. It looked like it was hurting him as much as it was hurting me. Maybe more.