The Dreamer ✓

Letter 30

NO.30; A LETTER TO ANYONE WHO FEELS LOST AND UNKNOWN 

DECEMBER 31st, 2014

Dear Somebody,

It's New Year's Eve and Jasmin has been running around all day trying to get everything ready for the big dinner tonight. Her parents are coming and so are some of our cousins from London and Cape Town. She's letting Evelyn and I invite a friend, so Evelyn is bringing Octavia Cross, one of her best mates from university who coincidentally also lives in Nottingham. So, I'm inviting James over. The dinner starts in an hour and he said he would be here about thirty minutes beforehand so we could "chill" but I have a feeling we're just going to end up kissing on my bed (not that I'm complaining). I don't have much time and Jasmin is already calling my name to help set the table but I really needed to get this off my chest.

These days, I look in the mirror and I don't see the face of the enemy. All I see is a girl who's just trying to figure everything out, step by step, day by day, taking the future as it comes.

And yes, I don't know what the future holds and that used to bring an onset of panic like a claw ripping into my chest but now, now the obscurity of the future is almost comforting. To know whatever happens or may not happen is mine to set in stone. I may not know my place in the grand scheme of the universe but I know it still is a place, however or small or great, we all have our roles to play.

And I know I'm going to have dark days and I know I'm going to make mistakes along the way and that's okay. It's okay as long as I remember to pick myself up each time and keep going because life is a long, winding road but it's not a road you have to walk alone. Help is always at hand for those who need it and it might be scary, but all you have to do is ask.

You know, Maya Angelou is my favourite author in the world and she once said something that's been in my playing in my head for weeks and months and years.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

I never truly understood it until now. Each word is a different kind of confession and I repeat it to myself. I repeat it over and over.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

There's freedom in that, it's a brand of freedom no one else can give you. It's a brand of freedom you can only give yourself. A self-liberation that shakes you to the core. I repeat it until it's the only thing I know, until it's infused in my very being.

I am enough. I have nothing to prove to anybody.

And for the first time in a long, long, long time, I can say this. I'm going to be okay. 

If you're reading this, you're going to be okay too.

Love, Morgana.