DAMN YOUR KISS; ryden

Chapter Seven: And Who Cares Divine Intervention

Ryan looked at the top of the bottle of Jack he held, utterly expressionless, his head a mess, stone cold sober, as Brendon paced in front of him.

Brendon had been pacing for a while now. Head down, hands gripping and tugging at his dark hair, in that preppy haircut Ryan had admired not that a few hours ago, mussing it up and making it go all Mad Scientist. His strides were long, fast, choppy. And he was cursing. Himself, Ryan, everything and anything.

“I mean that was stupid. What was that! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Just drunk. That’s all. Not wasted, but drunk enough to make a mistake. Yeah. No! What?”

Ryan bit his tongue. Just a mistake! He blinked, even though, inside, he was screaming, and screwing his face up. Way to make the guy – the mistake – feel ok. Way to kid yourself, Urie. Really.

“I mean, I’m not gay! I’m not! Never, ever, have I ever been gay. All my previous partners, lovers, everything, have been women! I like girls!”

Oh, this was just pathetic. Listening to Brendon kid himself that he’d felt nothing… Ryan chose to believe that, anyway, because he himself had sure felt something and it was better to think that, than to believe any of the words coming out of Brendon’s mouth right then were true. Funny how he was more sober than he had ever been in his life, and he’d just downed a half bottle of Jack. His throat burned. His lips still tingled from the kiss. His chest hurt, all tight. Why? Stress? Anxiety? His heart, battering his ribcage?

Brendon tangled his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck, and leant down, screaming a ‘FUCK!’ through gritted teeth. He sank to his knees, in front of Ryan, and he stayed that way for a while.

Ryan raised the bottle to his lips. Drank deeply. “Get up off your knees, Brendon.”

Brendon, who’s eyes had been screwed shut tightly, flew open, and their brown was darker than Ryan had ever seen them being. Darker than when he had left, and that was saying something. He set his jaw in a hard, furious line, curled his lip back, and sprang to his feet. He pushed his pointing finger against the unmoving Ryan’s chest, rocking him back. “Don’t you dare think you can tell me what to do!” he jabbed him again. “Don’t you dare!”

Ryan said nothing. Brendon curled his finger back into his palm, his fisted hands, lest he poke Ryan again, and turned away from him with a grunt of frustration. Ryan wouldn’t put it past him to smash a fist into the wall, the state he was in.

Finally. He parted his lips, took another swig, and spoke. Properly. He sounded robotic, but … It was the best he could manage. “I’d wanted to do that for a long time.” He licked his lips. “A long time.”

Brendon stared at him with wide eyes. He looked utterly confused, bless him. “Wha-what?”

“Kiss you.” Ryan lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “I’ve wanted to do it since … oh, 2007?”

The look on Brendon’s face was priceless. A real Kodak-take-a-picture-and-then-frame-it look. “You…”

“Every single person I’ve been with since then, every girl, and guy-” Ryan watched Brendon’s jaw hang even further, his eyebrows shoot up more. “I would like to have imagined you, but,” he shrugged “I couldn’t even do that. They weren’t you. And it just didn’t seem worth it. Not just sex, and kissing, but … a relationship.”

Brendon actually slapped a hand to his mouth, to close it. “But Z…”

Ryan shook his head, licked his lips again. “We tried. We honestly did. But neither of us felt it. We were better off as friends.” he shrugged again, and traced a cigarette burn on the couch. It wasn’t an intentional one, he could tell. Probably Brendon, dropping it. That seemed like him.

Brendon, because he didn’t know what else to do, made his best attempt at a spluttering rage. “Well, I got news for you, Ryan, I am not gay! I have never been gay, and what just happened was harmless, and stupid, and-”

And because Ryan didn’t know what else to do, he stood, put the bottle down, and grabbed Brendon’s shoulders, and kissed him.

He kissed him hard, pressing his lips to Brendon’s full, warm, utterly wonderful lips, and the perfectness of the last kiss was replaced by how amazing the clumsiness of this one was.

And Brendon’s eyes fluttered closed without a fight. And he put his hands either side of Ryan’s neck, and he kissed him back.