Surreal Perfection (Camren)

Ch 10.5 - Interlude - Lauren's POV

WARNING: More angst than you can shake a stick at. Take a deep breath before proceeding. 💕

Lauren's POV

//

Guilt.

And shame.

And everything in between.

I can't move past these emotions, and I'm incapable of releasing myself from this flesh-eating pain, by telling her the truth.

Because then, it'll truly be over.

Camila will never forgive me.

I'm holding on to a hope that's held captive by a lie.

I made the decision then, that I would rather she hate me, rather she blame me, for leaving for selfish reasons, than for her to know the truth of why I couldn't live with myself, or wake up next to her every morning, realizing how much I've fucked with such a perfect thing.

This way, we still have a chance; this way, I can let her rationalize my leaving for wanting to pursue my own dreams, and be my own person.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

By the time my conscience caught up with my selfishness, I'd already pushed what happened, so far down my throat, that the thought of coughing it out now, paralyzes me.

And yet, every time I see her, every time I talk to her, I find myself wanting her back so much, my body physically aches.

I can forget though, for brief moments; forget and carry on like nothing ever happened, because that's how easy it is to forget everything else when I'm around her.

It was a mistake, something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

And tonight, it's worse.

Because I see the body language between Camila and Nikki, and it drives me wild with jealousy.

That's how it started, years ago.

Jealousy.

There were so many rumours about Camila leaving, that I began to believe them myself.

I let my insecurities in, and let common sense out.

And by the time her duet with Shawn had dropped, I had fully convinced myself that she was being unfaithful, and it was just a matter of time until she would leave me.

I started to pull away, started distancing myself by placing sandbags around my heart, preparing for the shit storm I ended up causing myself.

And when my delusions became too much to handle, I chose to hurt her, before she had a chance to destroy me.

But hindsight truly is 20/20, and my immaturity and inexperience got the best of me.

And now I can't be with her, without being smothered by all the guilt and the shame I've built around me in layers so thick, and walls so high, that denial became my only reprieve.

I know she deserves better, but I'm selfish. And fully letting her go, meant fully letting myself go.

So I constantly ask myself, whether love can exist without the truth?

Can ignorance really be bliss?

No one will ever find out, I know that much.

I don't even know his name, but I told him to fuck me hard, because I realized it too late, that by the time I crossed that line, the numbness in my heart, betrayed my body's physical response.

He was just some beautiful stranger, who said all the right things. And I was the stupid coward, who gave in to my insecurities, and took the self-destructive, easy way out.

White lies, love, and a rose-coloured world.

I chuckle bitterly, because it kinda sounds like it should be the name of my next album.

I look out the window of the cab, and for a moment I think it's raining, until I realize it's just my tears, clouding my vision.

I don't know why I followed Camila home; after everything that's happened, I should just leave her alone, and let her move on.

But the alcohol in my system is invading my senses, and dulling my conscience.

I don't know what exactly I'm going to say, or what exactly I'm going to do.

The only thing I do know, is that I'm not strong enough to let her go, and I'm too weak to tell her the truth.

It's so immensely fucked up, and it's wrong, and it's everything love should never be, but I find myself standing outside her door anyway.

I knock, and I call, and I wait, and I knock again.

And Camila finally opens the door, and I speak, without thinking,

"I...I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Her sad eyes weigh down on my heart, and now that she's so close, I forget everything else.

I forget about the past, and live only for this moment.

I reach for her, because I can't spend another second without her, and I can't stand by and watch someone else take her from me.

When I speak, it's a whisper, because I'm scared she'll hear the guilt in my voice.

"Camz...I don't want to be your friend anymore."

I decide in that moment, that ignorance is bliss, that I've hurt her enough, and it stops tonight.

And if I can do everything in my power to at least make up for half of my mistakes, then she'll never need to know, and she'll never need to hurt again.

I can make her happy, I will make her happy.

Our lips sigh onto one another, and I lose all concept of reality.

//

A/N:  Well damn...Did this one hurt a little? I know, I know... 😢 It totally made me feel totally shitty when I wrote it.

So I've been meaning to do a brief interlude into the mess that's in L's head for some time now. Chapter 10 seemed kind of the right time, plus, revealing this bomb from her perspective seems to work for the story, I think.

But now y'all will have to wait and stew and watch C live through this, not knowing this big lie...

😕😯😧😭

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