✪ American Noise ✪ [Captain America]

Chapter 6: Steve I

Steve Rogers sat at the desk by the window within the living room of the apartment that S.H.I.E.L.D. Deputy Director Maria Hill had designated for him. He had been living in Washington, D.C., for almost two months now. The hustle and bustle of the Nation's Capital was a drastic change to the rustic cabin in which he had stayed for the better part of the past year in the north-western part of the country. S.H.I.E.L.D. had suggested the cabin as a good place for Captain Rogers to adjust to his seventy-year jump into the future. A good place for him to "get his head back on straight" were the words Director Nick Fury had used after boasting that this particular cabin had been designed by Doctor Bruce Banner himself because "the Hulk would know" about such things.

The morning sun poured a light golden glow onto the short pile of manila-colored folders in front of Steve on the desk, all of which had been given to him by the therapist S.H.I.E.L.D. insisted that he visit to treat something they referred to as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Steve was not very fond of these weekly sessions. They always began the same way: "How are you feeling, Captain Rogers?" Doctor Andrew Garner would ask. Steve never gave much more than a "Well," or "Fine," in response. He would then have his brain probed for the better part of an hour. In their most recent session that had taken place this morning, Doctor Garner had inquired about the extent of the Captain's relationship with one Margaret "Peggy" Carter during what was now referred to as World War II, among some of his other comrades. Steve could barely formulate a response before a knot formed in the base of his throat as he fought back an onslaught of emotions: sorrow, regret, the future that might have been... It was still more than Steve could bear to think about for too long, even after almost a year of being awake. The doctor did not press the question any further that day.

At the end of their appointment, Doctor Garner had asked, "Do you think you're ready to return to the field?" Steve had pondered the question for a moment. He had been living the quiet life for almost a year. The Battle of New York was something for which he had absolutely not been mentally prepared. Apparently, they had won the war in his time, but the world was still fighting over seventy years later. Steve could not shake the feeling that maybe it was all a futile effort. He gave the doctor his honest reply, "I don't think I want to." Steve theorized that Doctor Garner did not like his answer, because then for the first time since their sessions had started, Doctor Garner assigned Steve "homework."

Steve opened the first folder on the desk in his apartment. He immediately found that it contained personnel dossiers of his Howling Commandos team and other long-lost friends from his day. Steve was not sure if this was some kind of punishment or if the doctor was trying to prove him a point. Regardless, Steve forced himself through each photograph and each line of the documents within the folder, learning how the lives of his former teammates had played out. Some had passed away shortly after Steve's disappearance during the war, while others had led a long life of service. He was particularly surprised to find a file on Howard Stark in this folder and noted the uncanny resemblance between Howard and his son Tony, and then hurt to see that his friend had died in an automobile accident with his wife, orphaning their only child at a young age. The next file was one Steve had been hoping not to come across, but the suspicion and dread of finding it had grown with each file he passed. Steve turned the next page slowly. His eyes caught Peggy's in the black and white photograph held to the page by a paper clip, just as he remembered her. Steve quickly slammed the folder shut.

Steve pushed himself away from the desk and leaned back in his chair. He sat there for a moment, attempting to swallow the lump in his throat. When it was gone, Steve stood up from the desk chair and slowly pushed it back into place. He lingered there, holding onto the back of the chair with both hands and leaning over it to look out the window in front of him at nothing in particular. The chair creaked under his weight. I need some air, Steve decided. He went to his bedroom to pick up his baseball cap off the top of his dresser. As he turned to exit, a familiar round star-spangled shield caught his eye from the corner of the room on the floor propped against the wall. Director Fury had insisted that Steve hold on to it as a reminder of what he was meant to be when Steve had told him that he needed time to think about just that. He glared at the battle-worn shield as if the metal object itself were somehow responsible for Steve feeling slighted in some way. He crossed the room and picked up the shield. Steve stared at it for a moment before turning to open his closet door, placing the shield on the floor inside with the star facing the wall, then shut it away. Steve closed the bedroom door behind him as he left.