Poems

DiFFereNt

I feel like I have a different perspective of everything. Like I see the world in a different way. Life goes by fast, but only when you think of the past. The sky isn't just past the horizon. I look up some days and I notice that the sky is the darkest in the center. No matter where the sun is. And as it gets closer to the horizon, it's lighter. I can see the dimension of earth. I can see the spherical shape. Or I've stared at the ground and noticed the littlest details. The small strands that make up a blade of grass. The different browns and reds of the bark on a tree. The veins on leaves. Have you ever looked at the sun and thought how many other suns there are and why we only have 1 sun, even tho there are many? Just because they are at a greater distance, we call them stars. Or how the veins in leaves are always darker than the actual leaf. And how the leaf has a certain patteren just like our skin? Leaves are the skin of the trees. The wood the skeleton, the bark the muscle, and the sap the blood? The only scary thing is the leaves die and fall off when it goes cold. If you stare at something long enough, it stares back. I focus on something in the distance, let my vision go blurry, and see all the faces and figures in the world.

I feel like I can find the beauty in anyone, anything, except my self. Sometimes I try popping some acne on my back and all the sudden I stop. I have a staring contest with myself in the mirror, hoping that when one of us blinks, I look different. My eyes a little bluer, my skin a little darker, my lips a little pinker, my cheeks a little slimmer. Just even the smallest thing. But it never does. I am attracted to every sex and gender, yet I'm still not pretty enough to attract anyone. And if someone "likes me" it's either a joke or they're fucking crazy. I don't even know anymore. Life is just a waste. I let my mind wonder too much, too far. I end up going to a place about why am I here? What if I wasn't? What would I think? But I couldn't think. I wouldn't exist. What if nothing exists? What if this is all a dream dreamt. What if this is just a book someone is writing.
Am I only one who thinks this? Do I really see the world in a different way? Why am I so weird? Why am I so much different? If God was real, the world would be perfect. If God was real, why would he make me like this? Or why wouldn't he just fix me? Why am I such a fuck up.