The Delivery Boy(boyxboy)

Chapter 5: Elementary Schools and Group Projects.

                  

In the crowd alone
And every second passing reminds me I'm not whole
Bright lights and city sounds are ringing like a drone
Unknown, unknown

Oh, glazed eyes, empty hearts
Buying happy from shopping carts
Nothing but time to kill
Sipping life from bottles
Tight skin, bodyguards
Gucci down the boulevard
Cocaine, dollar bills
And

My happy little pill
Take me away
Dry my eyes
Bring color to my skies
My sweet little pill
Tame my hunger
Lie within
Numb my skin

-

Axel

The mornings were always the hardest part.

Even though I didn't particularly get a lot of sleep, waking up was probably the most terrible part of my day.

There was hell in my subconscious, but there was greater hell in my reality.

There would be a single, peculiar moment when I woke up, when there would be nothing- simply nothing. My body would feel light, my mind would feel hazy, my eyes would be blurry- and there would be nothingness enveloping me. But it wasn't the bad kind of nothingness, no. It was my safe haven, because only when I wasn't anything was also when I felt like the weight of the past and future wasn't pressing so hard on both sides of me that were was simply no space for my own existence.

But then the crushing weight of reality would dawn on me so hard, I didn't myself know how I managed to get up each and every day.

I wanted to wake up to something. I wanted to wake up, and actually have a desire to get out of bed and make breakfast. My entire life had turned into a chain of responsibilities that needed to be fulfilled, duties that needed to be finished, and goals that needed to be achieved.

I wanted something more. I would never admit it, but even I knew that I wanted so much more. I wanted family, and I wanted friends, and I wanted to look forward to waking up every day.

I wanted someone to talk to, because sometimes, the loneliness became unbearable. It was so lonely I couldn't stand it.

But who could I talk to? It was moments of realization when my world felt the smallest, when I felt the most insignificant.

People said love was dangerous; they clearly had not known loneliness. Sometimes I felt that the feeling of being terribly alone was going to explode through my skin, and sometimes I wasn't sure whether laughing or crying or busying myself through the hysteria would help at all. Even I had moments when I was desperate to touch, to be touched, to feel; so much so that I was almost certain that I was going to fall off a cliff in an alternate universe where no one was going to be able to find me. I was going to become a figment of my own dangerous thoughts.

And that was the one weakness I had.

That was the one weakness which all independent children had.

Independent children grew up into proud adults. And proud adults, they liked to believe that they could take on anything in the world. And funnily enough, they could- they could go through measures of unbearable pain and still console themselves, because in the end, it wasn't like they had anyone who would do that for them. They could be stressed out, but still get the job done. They could appreciate help, but still reject it. They could love people, but still keep them at arm's length. They already had a set of internal scripts memorized that repeated, "You've got this. You can do this. You don't need help from anyone else. You never did."