fri[END]s | BTS

믿음

Long time no see. How many seconds passed since I last saw you? I lost the track. Was I even counting? Or just pretending to do so, since I lost trust even in myself and my abilities. I lost trust in everything around me and everything inside. I lost it after you, Yoongi, left.

I had no hope or care in the world left. There was only five of us here missing everything we had in the past. We lived in the past, and we just exsisted in present. We had faith in the past, and now we were careless. My legs didn't want to work properly, my lungs refused to do their job, my mind was making me insane and it's all because I lost trust. In myself. In the world. In the people. There wasn't anything and anyone I could have trusted anymore, because there was no more of you.

Wasn't it painful? Couldn't you find any other way? Was it impossible to work around it? Tell me! I beg you to tell me who or what made you take that decision. Who or what destroyed every bit of us, who were left after you burst into flames, and ashes of you were blown away by the wind. Or maybe the pain you experienced inside could have never be compared to physical agony? I hope you're here. I hope all of you are. And I still believe that one day I will be able to hear an answer to my questions from the lips of yours.

I believe that one day I will be able to hear again, and not only listen. You know my friend... I still blame myself every day of my pathetic life. It could have been me, not you, but me. It wasn't. Do you know how many nights I screamed your name at night haunted by nightmares as you, completely fine, walk out those flames? But you never did! As four of us went to that cursed place there wasn't even a track of you left. Nothing to remember you by.

But I had my mind. And even if it was all messed up, even if it was driving me crazy I still could remember everything about you and trust that you taught me. You weren't the pheonix, you didn't raise, but... I will keep my promise no matter what. I don't have trust in my mind and memory, I don't. But an empty feeling inside my chest, every time I unintentionally start looking for you guys, but never find you, stabing me every step of my run, reminds me, that this is still real, that there is still a chance that I will accomplishe the mission.

I miss you guys very, very much. I need you guys very, very much. But one day, if I'll succeed I will see you smiling at me again. I know, I should have been the one to take care of you all. I know I should have acted as the oldest and protected you all even if that meant destroying myself. I beg you to forgive, I kneel down in front of you all my friends, and beg you to stay with me along the way. You are the strength I need to fill my empty heart, so it wouldn't burn in the fire of hell, where I wouldn't be able to see you.
- Jin.