Damaged

Positive?

Six weeks after Jaeson and I had sex, Matt was in Cardiff filming and Clara was sleeping over John's house. I was still writing my book, but I couldn't concentrate. I felt sick and hot. I figured it was from guilt, guilt which hadn't stopped eating at me since it happened.

I shut my laptop, unable to think straight. I decided a shower was the best option for me to get my mind off of everything.

When I walked into my bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and remembered when I went into labour with Clara.

"Matt," I said, walking into the bathroom, holding my stomach.

"Finally decided to join me?" Matt asked seductively.

"Yes, she did," I said. Suddenly, there was a loud crash as Matt fell in the shower.

"Shit!" He shouted. I laughed before gasping in pain.

"Okay, okay! Everything's gonna be fine!" Matt said, running out of the shower and quickly drying himself with a towel before pulling on a pair of sweats and a tee shirt, falling a few times in the process. I rolled my eyes at my ridiculously clumsy husband and said, "I'll be in the car. Please don't forget my bag."

"Bag, right, okay," Matt said, trying to get his shoes on. I laughed again and made my way downstairs, breathing heavily because of the contraction pains.

I got into my car and turned it on, rubbing my stomach gently while gritting my teeth. The pain was extremely intense. I was about to start yelling for Matt when he came barrelling out of the house.

"Okay, let's go!" Matt cried, hopping in the drivers seat and speeding off.

"How are you? How are you feeling? Is the baby coming right now?"

"Relax," I said. "When you're anxious it makes me anxious. Let's get food."

"What?" Matt spluttered.

"They're not gonna let me eat in the hospital," I told him. "And I'm fucking hungry. McDonalds please!"

"Babe," Matt trailed off, "Y-You're going into labour."

"I wanna eat before that," I whined. Matt sighed and took me to the nearest McDonalds, where he got me three bacon, egg and cheese mcgriddles.

"Okay, now I'm ready," I smiled. "Oof! And the baby is too."

"Okay okay okay, don't panic," Matt said, speeding off to St. John's.

"I'm not panicking," I said. "You're panicking."

"Shut up," he whined. I laughed and kissed his cheek.

Eventually we were at the hospital, and I was roomed with a woman who was going into labour too.

"Hi," she said to me. I smiled at her and she said, "You look a little young to be a mother."

"I'm only twenty," I replied, playing with my wedding ring. "My husband, he's twenty two, he's panicking in the hall."

"So's my husband!" She laughed. "I'm Danielle. That's my husband, Seamus, pacing over there." She pointed out the window to a man with dirty blond hair who was pacing the halls.

"That's mine, playing with the vending machine," I laughed, pointing out Matt. Danielle laughed with me.

"I'm Jesselin, by the way," I smiled.

"Boy or girl?" Danielle asked me.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "My gut is telling me girl."

"Ooh! I'm having a little boy," Danielle gushed. "His name is John."

"That's so cute!" I squealed before being hit with a contraction pain.

"Those are the worst," Danielle sympathised, being hit with her own contraction. Then she asked, "What names did you pick for your baby?"

"Clara for a girl and Levi or Eli for a boy," I smiled, rubbing my stomach. Then a nurse came in and said, "Mrs. Finnegan, looks like you're ready."

"Good luck!" I said.

"You too!" Danielle called as she was wheeled out. Seamus followed Danielle, so Matt came in to keep me company.

"Hi love," Matt said, kissing my forehead.

"Hi," I smiled. "Are you ready?"

"Are you?" Matt chuckled. I smiled. "I've been ready for a very long time."

I smiled at myself in the mirror, remembering the joy I felt when I held Clara in my arms for the very first time.

That's when I remembered the symptoms that come with being pregnant. The symptoms I was experiencing right now.

"No," I said quietly to myself. "No, there's no way. I am not pregnant." I started to panic, so I tried to reason with myself.

It could be Matt's baby, I told myself. No, it is Matt's baby. You can only have children with your husband, so if you're pregnant, which you're not, it's Matt's. I sighed through my nose and tried to forget about sleeping with Jaeson. It was hard to do, because he didn't want to forget.

Just then, someone rang the doorbell. I sighed and walked downstairs, calling out, "Who is it?!"

"It's me!" Jaeson called. I sighed again, leaning against the front door. "Go away, Jae," I said.

"No, we have to talk," Jaeson insisted. "I know you still love me!"

"I'll always love you," I sighed. "As a friend. As a best friend."

"We started out as best friends," he pointed out.

"Then, maybe we can't be friends at all!" I shouted in exasperation.

"What are you saying?" Jaeson asked. I felt him fall against the door on the outside.

"I'm saying," I sighed through gritted teeth. "What I'm saying, is you shouldn't come around here anymore. At least, not when Matt's not home. Because I love him, and you and I are just friends."

"If you love him, then why did you sleep with me?" His question broke me, and I started to cry, falling to the floor.

"Jess, open the door!" Jaeson cried. "What's wrong? Let me help you!"

"Go away!" I sobbed. "You're what's wrong! You made me cheat on him twice! Just go away!" Jaeson sighed, and I heard him walk away while I just sat there and cried. I cried and cried until I heard my laptop ringing. I took a few deep breaths and wiped my face, walking over and answering the Skype call from my husband.

"Hey ba— what's wrong?" He asked immediately. I considered telling him the truth, that Jaeson and I slept together and I could be pregnant and Jaeson wanted to continue sleeping with me, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I started to cry and say, "The house is too empty without you."

"Baby, please I'm so sorry," Matt said, biting his lip. He hated watching me cry. "What can I do?"

"Nothing," I sniffled. "Ignore me, I'm just being silly."

"Your feelings aren't silly," he assured me. "I'm sorry I'll be gone for so long, but I'll be home soon, okay?" I sniffled and nodded.

"I love you," he reminded me, breaking my heart.

"I love you too," I sniffled. "Tell Karen and Arthur I said hi."

"Will do love," Matt said. "Get some rest. You look exhausted." I smiled a bit and we said our goodbyes, reaffirmed our love for each other one more time, and he was gone. I shut my laptop, turned on I'm A Celeb, and curled up under a blanket I kept on the couch, crying myself to sleep.