Hurt Beyond Repair.

Like a cast,But the pain doesn't go away.

I remember the day I was going to be sent to a mental health clinic because for lack of better words I was giving up on myself and the school nurse found out.
I remember my father rushing out of work early pissed because I guess I was an inconvenience to my father.
It's the lack of words or the excess of words that really hurts coming from my dad.
He never asked what happened and how I was.
The only look I got was pure disgust like the way you look at broccoli when your five years old and your parents say you have to eat it.
He might as well have never said anything because I got enough from the looks , he gave me I would have got enough clues from what happened next.
Yelling and anger never got hit or hurt, but the anger and severity of his voice like a gun going off next to your ear.
I remember the most prominent words out of his mouth that day to me "do you know how much money we will have to  put into your little vacation."
He said "it's not real so you better just get over yourself already."
I felt guilty and I wish I could have just disappeared and I wished I would have not gone to the nurse that day and not said or opened my mouth to anybody.
Because oh god I wish that very moment when I heard his pure anger I wish I could have just melted into those  white walls in That room and simply would have disappeared.
I know it's good I'm alive because I still have poetry and music and all of these beautiful words I can still write, but the illness is still very prominently there like a person who woke up and looked at their arm seeing the cast and remembering the pain.
My illness is like a cast around me everybody can see there's something there and that in okay because I have a barrier around me but inside I am indeed hurting and it's not going away not like when you brake your arm because that pain is still there.
~E.M.C

A note from the poet: I'm having a roller coaster of emotions and I have no idea if this poem/ writing makes sense but it is very true to me and it hurts talking about it still but I thought maybe someone can relate and realize again that they truly aren't alone in this world that there's so many others dealing with thE same thing and even though mental illness feels so lonely and makes you alone you truly aren't alone there's so many other out there if your just willing to let someone hear and help you. Stay strong and had a goodnight or good morning everyone
Love, Emily aka dejectedpoetry