so ive been thinking
i thought i was fine with it but I wasn't
since I've joined wattpad as an artist i've encountered about 90% negativity. Its starting to get to me. I want to be pissed as hell and scream and break peoples noses but of course that wouldn't be logical so i refrain from doing so.
but
Heres the thing, I joined this fucking site looking for fellow artists to connect and learn with but all I've found is people shit talking whatever artistic group I happen to be in. Im sorry I have a anime style, I've done everything I can to try and make it more my own and spent so so so much time just trying to somehow break away but I guess since I don't have the means or time to develope my style any further without dropping my grades or plunging my mental health even lower I'm destined to be part of the mass of other artists striving to be part of a manga team with nothing to differentiate myself. Which of course means I'm weak and lower than low, despite plans of engineering as a main career and art to make me happy. Which of course means that your awkward and utterly hideuos style snapped together to get away from what you thought was anime, just for the fucking principle, exceedes whatever I could even hope to create.
Oh and lets see I started digital art in about 2012 as a kid wrangled with inspiration, on a 10 year old computer with only the laptop mouse it came with and a series of photoshop trials and free, horrible programs. Every year I asked for money for my birthday and the holidays hoping to improve my standards. And as the years annd months went by and my house became an abusive hellhole I lost hope in my art, leaving the goal to have those nice shiney programs, and those pain free tablets all my favorite artists had. About 9 months ago, I achieved that goal. I had a new computer, a discounted beginer tablet and a free download of sai. But oh, thats right, I guess since I spent 3 years saving to buy supplies that I could feel respectable about, I don't have the right to complain about my art because 'all it takes is practice' despite the fact that I spend every moment practicing through my off and on art block and depression and mood swings, when I really feel like killing myself instead, because I absolutely hate my style and everything about it without being insulted, and improving is the number one thing on my mind.
Lets go ahead and mention that I'll aparently burn in hell because I've drawn satanic symbols in the past ahahaha.
art is a self portrait
No ones actually going to read this anyway because i have about 2 people that ever show general interest in my artbooks so might as well dish out my disgusting story.
