The Worse of Times, The Best of Times

Heaven

Everyone bases their whole life around the question: "Will what I've done during my lifetime lead me to heaven or hell?"

Heaven the good, hell the bad. You hear how everyone aims to go to heaven, but is heaven really the sanctuary everyone makes it out to be. If certain people aren't allowed to step through the doors to this "sanctuary" then how do you expect me to believe in a fairytale land that "accepts" everyone who have "earned" it.

Covering up our mistakes in life, numbing the pain we feel as we fake who we are inside, living a life where our truths become our lies...is that what we call our lives? If I have to change who I really am in order to fit into this uniformed mould that people expect you to be, to get into this so-called heaven, then I'd rather not. If I have to strip pieces of the real me, to be accepted, I'd rather mend all those broken pieces of myself back together to create a better me.

Why waste my life trying to fulfill these tasks that society puts on us, to make us believe in a wonderful afterlife called heaven? How do I trust these imaginary places that takes away the ones I love to pull them into an afterlife without me while all I can do is wish them farewell and imagine that their presence is still here with me? While they turn to "angels" far sooner than they should, I turn to a curled up ball of sadness and loneliness crying myself to sleep to forget the dark voices in my head now eating away at me. Is heaven suppose to drive the living into despair, so that more "angels" can be created?

If heaven or hell is the end goal, then maybe I don't want either. Maybe I'll create this other end goal, one where everyone can be free to be different, unique, and where everyone can truly just BE!! I'll start with a blank slate and as my life continues, I'll color it in, so the black and whites of my mind disappear, while I silently count down the speckles of sand left in my own hourglass until I finally reach the doors to this new "heaven".