Oddball

Chapter Thirteen

On New Year's Eve, I'm sitting in Willow's hospital room. We sit in the dark and watch the ball drop in New York. I hold her small, cold hand in mine and rub my thumb over the back of her palm. My eyes stray from the television as I look around the room. Numerous cards, flowers, and drawings cover the top of the table in the corner, as well as the counter next to the sink. The door is shut and a tiny bit of light shines through the little window beside the door. The room doesn't smell sterile anymore, but instead it smells like Willow; like home.

I turn to Willow. Her gaze is fixed on the television as the ball begins to go down. She counts quietly, her voice hoarse. I begin counting with her and she turns to face me.

"Three... Two... One..."

She leans in and the space between our lips disappears. Quiet voices saying "Happy New Year!" float past our ears as we kiss for as long as possible. Willow places her hand on my cheek and pulls back. She presses her forehead to mine and looks into my eyes. I look back into hers. She looks tired and worn out, like she has no more energy left in her. With watery eyes, I plant a gentle peck on her lips. When I pull back, I notice a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Happy New Year." She says softly.

"Happy New Year." I murmur.

I start to hope that this year will hold promise. Since everything has been so terrible. In the past two weeks I've discovered that the girl I love has a life-threatening illness. Treatable, but grueling. I got a brief look at a college I would love to go to, but I don't want to leave. Not like this. And to top it all off, my mother has started dating a new guy. Everything piled on top of everything else is enough to tear me apart. But now, I have a bit of hope.

"I want to tell you something." Willow sighs and I lift my eyebrows.

My heart rate picks up and the hope that was present for a brief minute is now dwindling down to a burnt out spark.

"Alright... What?" I say.

"They examined the damage. My tumor is back and has spread... All over my brain. They said that I have a very poor prognosis and they gave me a choice." She wipes at her eyes and sucks in a shallow breath.

"Willow, I-"

"I know. This is a lot. I know. I'm sorry. But there's never a good time." Her breaths are becoming shallower and shallower as tears begin streaming down her face.

I can't even cry. Tears won't leave my eyes, they just gather on the edges of my eyelids. I have this incredibly heavy feeling in my chest and stomach, like my heart has been replaced with a fifty pound weight.

"Unfortunately, my condition... It has... Just... Taken over my life. It's caused nothing but pain and suffering and I was robbed of everything. I didn't have a childhood. I didn't go to school like a normal kid. I didn't have friends. I didn't have any of that." She shakes her head.

I feel nothing. Well, that's not true. I just feel numb. And to me, that is the worst thing you can feel.

Willow takes a moment to catch her breath, then speaks up again, "I've never had normalcy. I've just known suffering for no reason at all. I've seen children with my condition, who are so, so strong and it tears me apart to know that they'll have to go through everything I've been through. There comes a point where you can't take it anymore."

Silence settles and all that is audible is the quiet hum of music on the television and the occasional gasp for air from Willow. I wipe a tear from her face and she takes in a very raggedy breath.

"I don't want to do this to you. You're my first bit of normalcy, you're my first brush with what life is really like. But, somehow, being in love with you-being with you-is anything but normal. It's... Extraordinary. And, because of that, I know that this is going to kill me more than any disease ever could." She gives me a weak laugh and I force a fake smile, trying to give her comfort when I know it's pointless.

"I've chosen to deny treatment. My parents and I already talked it through and... We told the doctors this morning. I can't carry on like this, Payton. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The pain is just too much. I can't-"

"You don't have to explain yourself to me." I say quietly, taking her into my arms.

She sobs into my chest and struggles to calm down. I run my hand up and down her back, pulling her a little closer and kissing the top of her head. She cries and cries and cries and I feel awful. I've never seen someone so strong broken down so badly. I can't even comprehend the information that was just given to me. I can't really even comprehend the situation. In fact, I begin to refuse the idea that any of this is real.

This must be a nightmare.