twisted ; shawn mendes

f i f t e e n

savannah

The floor was dirty and I had a wedgie but none of that mattered.  My thoughts were scattered and so was my life. 

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't even notice when Shawn sat down next to me. 

His eyes moved downward as he grabbed my hand and held on to it delicately.

"Are you alright," he asked softly.

I turned my head to face him, the tears on my cheeks were now visible.

With his free hand he wiped away my tears and his hand lingered on the side of my face.

He whispered, "Hold on," before he got up and walked to the reception desk. 

His back was faced towards me so I couldn't see what he was doing, not to mention the tears blurred my vision. 

He grabbed something before he walked towards me again, keeping whatever he was holding behind his back.

He sat back down and handed me a small light brown bear.  My fingers ran across the bandage on its head and I looked towards Shawn.

I gave him a weak smile and I could feel the tears brimming the corner of my eyes.

He smiled back and breathed outwards deeply.  

"Savannah," he started, "I just wanted to let you know that it's alright.  The world is a fucked up world but it-it's alright to cry and be upset."

He took my hand and intertwined mine with his.

"Whatever you're going through, you shouldn't have to hold your emotions back.  You have to express yourself or you're just going to hurt even more," he finishes before slowly starting to sob.

He covered his face with his hand before he said, "I'm sorry, I just--I don't know what I'm saying."

His breathing was shaky before he let out a deep breath, in hopes that he can calm down. 

He looked at me with slightly red, puffy eyes and blinked away another tear.  I placed my hand on his shoulder and asked, "What happened?"

"My baby sister, Hayden, was born but something happened, she's dead now.  My whole family never got to have her in our arms, let alone see her.  I had another baby sister, but it feels as if, it feels as if I never really did."

I looked at him with sympathetic eyes and gave my condolences.

"It's fine, it wasn't you fault," he said as he wiped his eyes again.  "Things like this just happen, there's nothing anyone can do to fix it."

"What you can do, is express your emotions.  You said it yourself Shawn, it's not good to hold it in."

He nodded and replied by saying a simple, "Thank you."

"So what's happening on your end," he asked.

"Oh just the usual, brother died and the whole crappy nurses won't let me see him as he's dying spiel," I replied, trying to make a joke out of the situation but failing.

"Aw sorry.  Well from what you said earlier, your relationship with your brother was pretty close.  He would want you to move on, but hey cry it out all you want," he gave me a half-hearted smile. 

"Okay first off please don't say 'was.'  My brother and I's relationship still continues to be close and loving even if he's gone.  And thanks for caring enough Shawn.  It's nice to know someone actually is there to comfort you."

He smiled and said, "As much as I would like to stay and comfort you, and you know I would love to, I have to go.  My parents want to go back home and grieve and I think I'll do that too.  As weird as it sounds, it's oddly comforting.  Thank you Savannah for today, everything you said really helped."

"No problem Shawn, thanks for helping me out too."

He got up and walked towards the exit.  He stopped before leaving to turn around and look at me.  He waved at me and smiled which I returned before leaving.  I watch him walk out, his shirt moving a bit against his body. 

I sighed and looked down at the teddy bear he gave me earlier. 

He was right.  Every single thing that came out of that boys mouth was completely and utterly accurate.  I couldn't hold myself back from expressing how insanely twisted my life is.  Sure there were people that are going through far worse and it's really horrible that they had to go through that.  But that doesn't mean I don't go through hard times and that definitely doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to be upset.

It feels as if I've cried all day today but that's alright.  If I've learned anything today, it's that it's alright to cry, a lesson that I wouldn't have learned without Shawn.

Whatever happens in the future I'm going to remember this day.  Not necessarily as the day that my brother passed, but as the day I finally opened my eyes and embraced my twisted life. 

--

the end.

la fin.

wow i honestly am surprised that i actually finished this book.  when I first started this book, i kept on thinking of deleting it.  with constant writer's block moments and my life in general, it was hard to update, which made me doubtful that i was going to complete the book. 

but hey i'm here, writing this aren't i?  here's to when i said i was going to complete this book at the end of the summer, then the end of september, then october, and now its the day after Christmas.  (merry late Christmas to y'all!)

thanks to everyone who actually read this and voted for it, it really means a lot and it motivates me to write more. 

once again, thank you and i hope you enjoyed this lil book.

bye peeps,

xx
-r