Pills [muke]

Chapter One

Only once has he felt anything and it wasn't for her. It was their love. He wanted it, he needed it but it wasn't her that he needed. As much as he hated to admit it, he loved what they had but he didn't love her. She was an addiction, a demon. Something that he wanted so badly but he knew he shouldn't have.

[---]

Numb was the feeling Luke was feeling in that moment. He was on the phone with Patricia, his ex, and she was explaining (again) how he needed to get his life together because he was an adult, not a child.

"I'm worried for you, Luke," She explains and Luke can hear her sigh on the other line.

Luke stops himself from rolling his eyes, clutching the beer bottle tightly in his hands. "There's no reason to be worried."

"Yes, there is. It's been seven years, Luke and you're still the same irresponsible man. How are you supposed to have your daughter in a house that isn't even yours?"

Luke slouched back in his chair. "My mom loves seeing Lilly."

She sighs again, knowing Luke was getting irritated. "Luke... this isn't about your mom. This is about the fact that my five year old daughter is coming home asking about drugs!"

Luke was silent then. He's had the habits since before Lilly, his daughter, was born and no matter what circumstance he'd choose them over everything. Of course, thinking about it only makes him feel worse and gives him another reason to continue his addiction.

He knew it was a bad idea bringing her to his friend's house. He figured she'd be too young to know what was going on but he also thought she would stay in the room too.

"Our daughter." Luke eventually said, realizing Patricia's mistake.

"What?"

"You said your daughter, she's our daughter."

It was quiet and the tension was obvious. He could hear Patricia's breathing gently on the other line, signaling him that she didn't hang up. But he had sort of wished she did.

He has a fear of losing people and everything he's ever had was lost in the past. And Luke wasn't sure that he had a future, so he would spend all the time he could with his daughter.

Lilly and Patricia were all he had. With Patricia being gone and allegedly being with a man that he hasn't even met, all he has is his daughter. So he couldn't lose her. He didn't have a house that he could call his own and the royalty checks that he gets from his books aren't enough to support himself (and a daughter), especially when he was an off-on drug addict.

"I'm trying, I really am."

His voice seems to be uncertain and unrealistic, because he felt like he had given up. But in reality, he had been trying so hard to stay sober ever since he got the privilege to see his daughter again and he's been doing well. He's been six months clean, until he went to his friend's house last Sunday.

"I know, but I don't think trying is good enough right now. She needs someone she can depend on, not make broken promises and - Luke, you're not the best example for her right now."

"I can try harder." He whispers, blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Look, you're my friend, Luke and Lilly wants you in her life and I'm not going to take you out of it until she wants me to," She says and Luke feels relieved, "You just have to visit her here."

With that she hung up, without a goodbye, just a sense of hope and he appreciated that because each goodbye was ever more painful. He wasn't good with goodbyes and she knew that as each time they'd break up he'd relapse again. And then they'd start all over just to end it again.