Real Gender, Real Problems. My story of painful past, bright future.

Hope: The key to a bright future.

To be trans is quite a difficult thing. That is a definite. From trying to show and be who you are to soldiering your way through obstacles. There is really no true way to go through such a situation if it doesn't involve doing what makes you happy. But the biggest problem is when others are not happy with your own happiness. How do you conquer it? How do you keep going when all odds are against you? This is where my piece comes in.

This is the story of my current struggle of getting through my own problems and being true to who I am. And a message that no matter how far it seems, to never give up on who you are.

Lets start with a good introduction! My name is Marcia. But my friends call me Marcy. I am a transgender M to F and 17 years old. I enjoy videogames, reading, anime and I live in Australia, Victoria. (sadly) i haven't been able to express my full emotions and personality. There are a lot of reasons why most people; not just trans but gay, lesbian, bi and queer individuals, would have to go through a day to day experience of hiding. Being family, school, expectations and much more. For me, I'm a girl who lives in a very unforgiving, unapologetic and unaccepting family. Being that the only person I can really trust is my 8 year old sister who says that 'she will always love me'. I'm lucky to have, out of a family of 6, to have at least a small amount of support. I truly feel for any reader who has no support in such an important thing of not just life but themselves. If you are one of these readers, I got a simple message. "You are an incredible person, no matter what."

I believe everyone is different in their own way, in which is a beautiful thing. But this goes for problems as well. We all have our downs. Some are very little, others very large.
So this is my story so far, of all my struggles I have overcome and I have to endure. And hopefully, you could learn from me. That you are perfect in your own way and that I can bring a little more hope or just a smile to your face. So you can understand you are never alone.

I have suffered through a lot in the short amount of time I have been here. I have lived through an abusive family life. A painful, dreadful father and a crying mother and siblings. And at every moment, to have to stand and say that everything was all right. To be strong at such a young age as I look at it now, was one of the hardest things I had to face. Or at least that's what I'm told. The force of my own self bearing down on me during such terrible times was much worst. Knowing at such a young age that I was different to all the other kids made things hard, sure. I have actually mentally blocked it from my mind, all I know is the feeling of loneliness. But what really made my life hard was to always go to school smiling and lying then to come home and to do the same. From this, I couldn't possibly start to discover who I truly was until I become an independent women. Which was in year 6. The dreaded year I was expecting for a year before, damn puberty.

Puberty made my life a living hell. Since it was the period where I learnt that I was straight or to those who didn't accept me being female, gay. I broke down so far after realizing I was attracted to men. The thoughts I had every waking moment and nightmare. "I'm even more a freak now. How am I possibly gonna be accepted?" and "Why can't I be a normal person?" I know now that these weren't true but back then, it was what I thought. This is when one of the biggest problems anyone has to ever face in a society we live in today. Accepting yourself.

Accepting myself, compared to all my other problems and obstacles I have faced, was the most difficult. I started with thoughts of hate and shame. I couldn't dare let anyone know. I had to be normal. But I can't possibly be normal. At this point, I suffered years of lost, discrimination, self-loathing and even worst. Which I hope that no one would ever have to suffer. Especially you, the one reading this. And I am sorry if you have. Then it gotten to the point where my life dropped into chaotic proportions. I wasn't going to school, I was at home all day and just getting deeper into depression where I thought it was all over. This is where I learnt my greatest lesson. The one that got me to where I am today and will share to anyone. "All you need is hope. Hope is the start of anything and everything. It is never giving up and knowing life will always get better with effort." Even today, I live by this. Where did I found hope? Well, it's silly when I think of it now but my hope always laid in the stars. Whenever I would be down, when things are just getting worst and that there may not be a silver lining in sight. I would step outside and stare at the stars or dream about them. Even on a cloudy day, when I couldn't see them, I always knew they were looking after me, watching over me and keeping me safe.
How do you find hope? This is a complex question with such a simple answer. Look into your heart. For some, it is family. Others, it's a brighter future or even a loved one. Anything can bring hope, all you need to do is believe.

My life turned around when I went to a new high school. Almost three years ago. I was in a state of repair. I finally conquered my depression and all my omens. But I, even now, suffer from severe anxiety. I was in the mindset that I will always be who I am but I wanted this school to go smoothly. So I began as Mark. An awkward and smart 14 year old boy who wanted to simply read, study and pass. But this all changed when I met my best friend and now boyfriend, Matt. He changed everything for me by being the one person who said hi and wanted to make me a lifelong friend. He introduced me to even more friends and school started to look like a safe haven from my 'life' or more like simple 'existence' at home. Almost as if I was wanted for a change. This feeling was the best I ever had. A few years passed and I became so comfortable with all my friends. Life was starting to look up. To the point where I decided hiding was no longer needed. So I opened up to people. Started off saying I was bi because my though was that people would still slightly support me. The response was astounding. Everyone was incredibly supportive and I just couldn't lie after such a reaction. So I came clean about just liking men.

After a while, starting year 11 and pressures starting to take hold, my friends started to notice that I was acting weird. Lying to often, hiding to much emotions and suffering alone. So they confronted me. It was an intervention and they said that something had to be done. The fact of seeing them all care so much was the boost I needed to finally come out truly. I decided at that very moment that I needed to be true to myself and everyone around me. I came out as trans and got a very accepting reaction. I did lose a lot of closeness with some friends due to beliefs but I still call them friends. Took getting used to by my friends and a lot of thinking but things got so much better. I decided on my preferred name with help from friends and life almost seemed perfect. Until my parents stepped in. They were very unaccepting. My dad abusive and mum neglectful but with my newfound self-confidence, I finally stood up and fought. I gave my dad exactly what he deserved with help of the police and saved my family from so much more pain. After two previous attempts in the past, I succeeded. After the final court date, I told my mum the complete truth and she didn't neglect me anymore. She didn't agree but didn't disagree. She accepted me.

Today, I am now a happy (most of the time) 17 year old girl who plans a bright future of transition, change and fun. I still have much more obstacles to face. Change legally, society and much more but I know with the help from my boyfriend, friends and the stars, nothing will ever stop me again. Not just in my transition but also in my dream of helping people. My dream of putting smiles on people's faces and to make a difference in people's lives. To make them better.

So to you, the reader who has read through my story. Thank you so much for reading and I hope my story was able to bring you courage, hope and thoughts of a brighter future. Because, my friend. Your future is so bright and you will shine as bright as a star. I just know it! So please, never lose hope and always look on the bright side of things.

Why look down when the sky is so bright. Even if the sky is black, there is always a sunrise on its way. 

Thank you for reading.