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Zooey: Porch

"I want to break up."

Olan doesn't respond to my statement, he simply looks down at his feet and fiddles with his phone.

"Well?"

Shouldn't he be talking? He's not supposed to be silent, at least I don't think so. Boys confuse me. Then again, a lot of things confuse me.

"Is this what you want, Zooey? To break up?"

He finally looks at me, his expression unexpectedly calm.

"Uh-" I stammer.

Do I want this? Do I really want this? Or do I just feel like this has been forced on me by something? Or someone? I don't know.

"It's settled then. Goodbye, Zooey." Olan gently pushes me out of his house and back onto his front porch, where I spent almost ten minutes (about eleven minutes ago) contemplating if I should ring the doorbell or knock on the door. I decided to knock.

"But-"

Olan shuts the door without a second glance.

A rush of emotions flood over me like a river. Tears squeeze out of my eyes as I stand here, helpless and lonely and so many other feelings I don't even know how to describe.

Olan's question reappears in my mind; 'Is this what you want, Zooey?'

Well, is this what I wanted when I decided it was time to end this four-month relationship? Did I expect the pain and regret that I now feel? Did I expect Olan's calm and collected composure, as if nothing important was really happening?

No, of course not. I thought I was making the right decision. I mean, after all, he's been treating me pretty poorly lately. I thought that after I broke up with him I would feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would fight for me.

I had it all planned out in my head: I would confidently tell Olan that it was over. He would be crushed, and embarrassed, when a couple tears slipped out of his eyes. He would wipe them frustratedly and then ask me what went wrong. I would deny him an explanation, and then he would begin to beg for me to give him a second chance. I would reluctantly give in, after several sincere pleas, and we would kiss and everything would be okay.

But that's obviously not what happened.