Chapter 17
Part 1 – Cheryl
I stood in a stunned silence as she shouted at me. Nobody ever spoke to me like that, my initial response was to attack her both verbally and physically, but she was right. Maybe I had become a difficult person and I wasn’t used to being told no. The fact Nadine had the guts to stand up to me like that was quite remarkable, none of the other girls would do that, nobody ever seemed to tell me I was wrong, but I can’t always be right, can I?
“Don’t cry Nadine, I’m sorry,” I said softly as she stood shaking with her eyes welling up.
“I’m not crying because of you. I’m crying because I’m angry with myself, I shouldn’t let you get to me,” she said, taking a deep breath afterwards.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated again, nervous anything I said could set her off again.
“Just stop saying you’re sorry,” she said, hiding her face in her hands.
“I don’t know what else to say,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. I wanted to comfort her so much, but I daren’t touch her.
“I don’t want you to love me, and I don’t want to fall in love with you. I just wanted to be your friend. How did this get so complicated?” She asked.
“It doesn’t have to be. Yesterday you wanted us to happen...” I said, again very cautiously.
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have never kissed you back, then nothing would have happened,” she sighed, starting to sound more calm.
“But everything you said about the chemistry, why are you upset if you don’t care about us?” I quizzed. I’m sure she was making this more confusing for both of us.
“I’m not saying there’s nothing special between us, but pursuing it was a mistake. I’m upset because all these feelings are too much to handle and if I was to stay here with you, it would only get worse.” She explained, getting up to leave.
“You don’t have to stay here, Nadine, but please don’t cut yourself off from me, from all of us again?” I said, sounding a little desperate.
“I think to be honest, it would be easier for us not to see each other too often,” Nadine said, continuing to the door.
“But we need to. What about the band?” I asked, I’d so far avoided mentioning us as a band as I felt that was delicate subject.
“What band? Apparently I’ve been leaving for the past six years, let’s give the papers what they want,” she said, with a heavy sigh.
“Nobody wants you to leave Nadine, especially me, please think about your actions,” I said, grabbing her and forcing her to look at me. She kept trying to look away but our eyes were immediately drawn into each other.
“Let me go, Cheryl,” she whispered. We were both crying now, I’d never seen Nadine in this kind of state before, I just wanted to make her feel better, but I didn’t know how.
“Please Nadine, I need you,” I said, which only seemed to make the situation more upsetting for both of us. We continued to look at each other, it was like we were communicating without words. Not knowing how else to show her I wanted her to stay, I leant to kiss her. To my surprise she kissed me back, it was soft but desperate. I could feel the tears from her, running onto my face. It was one of those moments that I wanted to last forever, but I knew it wouldn’t.
“I have to go, Cheryl,” Nadine said, slowing pulling away. I knew the kiss wouldn’t convince her, I could just tell by the way she held me. It was a goodbye kiss.
“I’ll be here, if you change your mind, I’ll wait,” I told her, as she opened the door to leave.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” she said, bluntly before leaving and closing the door. I began to wonder if I’d ever see her again. Like she said, she didn’t want to be part of the band now. I might have to spend the rest of my life praying I’d bump into her through some bizarre coincident.
I could barely manage to stand up, the hurt and rejection was really taking its toll on me. I reached for my phone and called the person I always call when I feel like I can’t go on.
“Hello, Kimberley, can you come over. I’ve fucked up again.”
Part 2 – Nadine
As soon as I got back to my flat, I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for days. So much for going to Cheryl’s to recover from exhaustion. I felt even worse now. I didn’t have anyone to call in London, Jason was in L.A. and I doubt he’d want to speak to me ever again anyway. He was an understanding guy, but perhaps not understanding enough to be okay with me breaking off an engagement after announcing on it national radio.
I realised I hadn’t eaten since early yesterday evening either. I didn’t really feel like eating, but I knew I needed to. I returned from the Kitchen with some cereal and coffee and decided to just spend the day watching TV. To be honest I not very often got a day to myself these days. The situation wasn't ideal but some aspects had to be taken advantage of.
No sooner had I finished the cereal and coffee, I woke up to the sound of frantic buzzing from outside. I looked at the clock, several hours had passed, I must have just dosed off as a result of a dramatic few hours. I ran to answer to see who it was.
“Finally!” The familiar Yorkshire accent said.
“I was asleep,” I yawned.
“I’m not surprised, you must be exhausted. Well I know you were in the first place, but even more now, let me in?” She asked.
“Eh, come up, I’ll leave the door unlocked,” I said, hanging up the phone. I couldn’t be bothered to ask why she was here. Although I was little worried Cheryl might have had a nervous breakdown. She was not in a good way when I left, but then again neither was I and I wasn’t breaking down, just yet.
“How are you?” Kimberley asked casually.
“Erm, I’ve had better days, yourself?” I asked.
“Oh, I have a bit of a headache, late night and stuff. How come you’ve moved out of Cheryl’s already?” She asked. I knew this wasn’t just an innocent, popping round to see me visit. She knew something. Or she wanted to know.
“It was never meant to be a permanent thing, I was always going to move out, how did you know I had anyway...?” I asked curiously.
“Okay, now here’s the thing and don’t go mad...” Kimberley said. An indicator that I was probably not going to like what I was about to be told.
“Just say it, trust me, I’ve heard more than enough unbelievable stuff in the past twenty four hours” I sighed.
“Mm, tell me about it... Basically I overheard something very late last night, you and Cheryl fighting, you said something very strange,” she said slowly.
“Strange? What kind of strange?” I asked, trying to remain calm. I’d still been half asleep until this point.
“You seemed very upset about something and you mentioned she’d kissed you?” Kimberley said, looking a bit amused. It wasn’t funny, but I’m so glad she could find the non-existent humour.
“Oh that! We were drunk, there’s nothing else to say really. Is there anything else?” I said, very quickly, hoping she would now leave me alone. But the smirk on her face suggested otherwise.
“Yeah, that’s what Cheryl said, that you were drunk,” she said plainly.
“Well there you go then,” I said, relieved.
“Except like yourself, Cheryl’s a rubbish liar. I know you were drunk, but I hear it was something a bit more than a drunken kiss...” Kimberley was now staring at me intently. Why was I bothering? She knew.
“Well, whatever you know, put it to the back of your mind. I want to move on from this and I think you should too,” I told her frankly.
“I’ve just been to see Cheryl, she called me just after you left,” Kimberley said, taking a more serious tone.
“Is she okay?” I asked. I tried my hardest not to sound concerned, but I was. I knew Cheryl’s mental state hadn’t been great. She had a massive workload and even she was starting to get bad press recently.
“She’s upset. I told her to call you but she said you wouldn’t answer. I’m worried about her, I’ve not seen her like this since she found out about Ashley,” Kimberley said, as I tried my hardest not to show any sympathy.
“I don’t want to be with her,” I said shrugging my shoulders.
“Are you sure? I mean you don’t seem to want to be with Jason either?” She mentioned. She knew me way too well.
“We fight more than we’re nice to each other, it’s harrowing,” I told her. It was true. Everything was so intense, even when things were going well, it would only be matter of time before one of us pushed the others buttons.
“So what are you saying? You know how strongly she feels about you,” she said, starting to sound very interested.
“I don’t think she loves me. I think she thinks she would do, perhaps she’s in the early stages of falling in love. I wouldn’t have had sex with her if I’d have thought she was using me, but she seems to think I would,” I explained.
“I think she’s definitely falling in love with you. She never loved Derek, that was just a rehearsal for her next big relationship. How exactly Nadine, did you end up in bed with her?” She asked, it was a very awkward question.
“I’m not sure. She kissed me and it was unexpected but somehow felt right. I must have just really fancied her because it was me that pretty much led the way to the bedroom,” I said, trying to remember everything clearly.
“And in the morning?” She asked, gesturing with her hands to continue.
“Monstrous hangover, but no regrets really. Waking up with Cheryl isn’t something many would complain about. Everything was fine, like, we talked about it and agreed to take our time,” I told her.
“Okay, so what happened? I’m confused,” she said, looking at me frowning slightly.
“She was drunk last night, very drunk. She tried to get me to sleep with her again, but I was nowhere near as drunk, I thought it would be wrong of me to do that. When I knocked her back she got really aggressive and angry and accused me of taking things too seriously, when just that morning she was the one in a panic that I’d want to casually forget about it,” I explained. Just talking about it made me feel angry. I was so stupid, I had everything I needed with Jason, why did I listen to her.
“I totally see where you’re coming from, but sometimes we all say things we don’t mean. Judging by how upset she was last night and was when I just saw her now, I think she regrets speaking to you like that,” Kimberley said softly. I did think about what she was saying and I did believe her. But how was I to know that Cheryl wasn’t going to constantly contradict herself and mess with my head, and my heart, again.
“Well she’s said it now, it’s out there, she can’t take it back. I know she’s your best friend and you’ll always defend her, but you’re wasting you're time, I’m not interested in pursuing anything more than friendship with her,” I told her. I fancied Cheryl yesterday and I still kind of did today, but I wanted to be sensible about this, there were more cons than pros here.
“Fine, you know yourself better than anyone. Just make sure it’s what you want, Cheryl will hang around for a bit if you change your mind, but not forever.” She warned me, which did kind of tempt me to go running back to her. What if I was missing an opportunity of a lifetime?
“I won’t change my mind, I know what I need to do,” I told her confidently, although I wasn’t. I got out my phone and selected Jason from my contacts.
“Hello, Jason. Yes sorry about that, just had a freak out moment. I still want to marry you. As soon as possible.”
