She's Only Just Beginning

Part V

[She was absolutely breathtaking.]

The Doctor rose rapidly and somewhat clumsily as River came to a stop beside him, his coordination suffering due to the fact that his olfactory senses were being besieged with the scent of her soap, warm skin, and something that was purely River.

“River,” he murmured simply, for what else could he say? What could ever be enough? He knew he was not allowed to caress her in the way he so deeply desired to, and he found that he did not know how to express what he felt without the aid of touch. He restrained himself to gently resting one hand on her bare shoulder for a fleeting moment, before gesturing toward the couch. She nodded and sat down, The Doctor following a second later. Neither spoke until River picked up the mug of tea that was sitting on her side of the coffee table, smelled it, and smiled.

“Peppermint. Lovely choice.”

“Two sugars, no cream,” The Doctor added, hoping that River had always taken her tea the way his River did. Another nod was the only indication that he had made her tea correctly. The Doctor grasped his own mug of tea (Chamomile), and half-turned on the couch to sit opposite River, who had tucked her legs beneath herself to face him.

“So what are you really doing here?” River asked, after several minutes of silence. While she waited for him to answer, she cupped her hands around her mug and inhaled the minty smelling steam appreciatively.

“I’m here to see you,” The Doctor replied easily.

“Why?” Rive prompted bluntly.

“Because....” The Doctor paused to form a coherent sentence, knowing he had to be careful here. “Because you are very important to me, as I’m sure you realized in Berlin. And because while I know you, you do not know me, not really. And I want you to.”

“Oh, I know a great deal about you, Doctor. I know about the races you obliterated, the planets you destroyed, and the danger you pose to the future. I also know of the people you’ve saved, and how many times over the Universe owes you her continued existence. I know of the more notable times you’ve appeared throughout history, cropping up most often on Earth, always traveling with a...companion, usually a young woman.” Here River grew quiet, looking up from her tea for confirmation. The Doctor sighed.

“I’ve no doubt you know much about me, River. But that does not me you know who I am, only what I’ve done. D’you see?” he asked, furrowing his brow as he searched River’s expression for understanding. However, her eyes were too guarded even for him.

“All right, then. Why do you travel with various women?” she asked, tilting her head curiously. Oh, this should be a fun conversation, The Doctor thought sardonically. Let’s explain to my wife why I travel with young human women. Sure. He took a minute to compose himself, set down his tea, then began to speak.

“When I travel alone for too long, I lose perspective. I make mistakes, mistakes that...hurt people. I grow arrogant, and I forget what really matter. These friends that I travel with, they view the Universe with younger eyes. They see hope when I’ve long since given up looking for it, and maybe most importantly, they tell me when to stop,” The Doctor explained slowly, his voice even. When he continued, though, he sounded pensive and ever so sad.

“I don’t go looking for them, but somehow they always find me. They get to see beginning and the end of the Universe, and so much in between. I get to be a little less lonely. If I can show someone with no great aspirations or a low opinion of herself that she can save worlds, a space whale, or even the Universe itself...That makes up for it, right?” The Doctor’s voice grew high in distress, and his eyes were pleading with River for the absolution he would never allow himself. A good portion of River’s façade crumbled then. She set her mug back down on the coffee table before meeting The Doctor’s gaze. Such old eyes, she thought, her heart constricting in her chest. She shaped one hand to his cheek, soothingly stroking his skin with her thumb, and rested her other hand on his where they twined anxiously in his lap.