Why? (Violetta fanfic)

1.1

Chapter 1.1: Questions

I feel little pieces on sunshine on my leg. A smell of sea creatures combined with salty water fills the air. I smile at Ludmilla however her face shows the same expression. Such a dull expression.
"A nice day today, isn't it?" I say loudly. I hope she can hear me with all the talking, splashing and music in the background.
She nods.
"Ludmilla. Just look around you. When days are rough, see the beauty in everything." I put my hand on her shoulder.
"Seeing the beauty in it is what brought me to this in the first place." She looks down her thighs.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Just forget it. I'm not feeling fine." Before I can say anything she gets up and leaves the beach. I decide to follow her, but it is something she obviously didn't want me to do.

Someone knocking my door pulls me back to reality. The painful reality. One I rather not face. I quickly wipe away the tears, but they keep on flowing. It is my dad in the doorway.
"Please, I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink, I don't want to sleep and I don't want to talk about it." I snap. I know it's harsh but so is the fact that Ludmilla willingly took her own life. I need space right now, and the fact that everyone keeps up on me every five minutes isn't helping at all.

"Violetta." He now enters my room. "It is not good to bury your feelings."
"I wish the last time we talked went differently." I confess, not looking him in the eye. "She didn't talk to me for a week." More tears escaped my eyes. I try to look down to the ground as best as I can to conceal it. I try to take slow breaths, but instead it are loud and fast breaths. He wraps his arms around me. The hug doesn't feel as good as it normally does, but I never dealt with this before. I did not see this coming either.

"I just want to be alone right now." I tell dad.
"Are you sure?" He frowns his eyebrows in concern.
"I'm sure." I watch him leave my room.

I'm not sure what I am feeling anymore. Rage, disappointment, guilt and sadness just switches unexpectedly. As if I am on some kind of roller coaster and every touch - even a light touch - will send it spinning to the another direction.
Photos, memories and secrets flash through my mind. I didn't matter how much I try to block them. My mind keeps showing it over and over again. As if it is trying to torture me. It works. It works really well.

I hear my phone vibrate. It has been exploding ever since people have heard of the news. I didn't need sympathy, empathy or anyone in that case. The only one who could solve this is gone. Forever. I feel my body tensing and my heart beating very quickly. It could be used as a song if someone put some lyrics under it. I get up from the bed, looking for every photo that has Ludmilla on it. I want to throw it, burn it or just cut it. But I can't. Because deep down I know she doesn't deserve any of it. I sigh and I put the photos down.

For the first time in 24 hours, I grab my phone. I quickly scroll through the notifications. Great, everyone knows.

I let myself fall on the bed. I just close my eye, so maybe I can catch some sleep after a restless night. But no, now the questions come up.

She is- or she was beautiful. She had a boyfriend, she had me, and college was going great. Why would she end any of it? Why would she do that to herself? Why would she do that to me? To Federico? To the people that cared about her?
I can't come to terms with the fact that I'll never get the answer. There has got to be one way.