Why? (Violetta fanfic)

1.2

Chapter 1.2: Failing you

The past few days been rough. I didn't go to school. It's weekend now. I need to wrap myself back to getting before facing anyone. Before getting questions I don't even have answers to. All I want right is go back. Back to the time where she was still standing next to me. I want to know what went wrong. What went so wrong that...she is gone now? Why didn't she just trust me? Maybe she would still be here if she just told. I could've helped her, like I always did. When she was stuck with homework, in love with Federico, even when she was sad or self conscious and needed a pep talk. She needed me but she never told a word. Not even a goodbye. Just a stupid note with "Life hurts too much". I had no idea she even thought of jumping in front a train. Suicidal is not even a word I would use to describe her. I saw her as strong. Sure she was a little fragile, but it didn't mean she would shape herself back. I was wrong. I have never been this wrong in my whole life.

I stare out my windows. Observing every single detail of the light blue sky. The clouds in odd shaped and if you stare deep enough you see the weirdest things in them. Babies, ducks, and helicopters. A plane flying leaves a white trail on the sky. Just like Ludmilla leaves on my life. The emptiness is killing me. I thought it would be nice to just stop feeling, no sadness, no guilt, no anger, no nothing. I don't even feel alive.

Just the sensation of my aching heart.

I sigh as I realise that this is not what she wanted to achieve. Or did she? Did she intend for me to feel hurt? Did she wanted everyone to hurt? Attention? I quickly block the thoughts of my mind. I wasn't sure of what she wanted to achieve, but I can't think that about her. Even if she did this to herself, there was a time were I would do anything for her. Her porcelain soul didn't deserve this. I need to find out why, so the person responible for this can get what it deserves. And for the first time in a week, I leave my room willingly. I stand on my toes in the hall, sneaking into the guest room. It was full of her things. We had a college dorm, but we were here a lot when possible, so we didn't have to be interrupted by loud music and drunk people. I look around as if I had never seen it before. And then the whiteness of the room stands out to me. The walls are white, the bed is white, the desk it white, the closet is white. Here and there there are some stickers that Ludmilla sticked. "To add some vibes" she said. Her clothes are still hanging there. At least her dresses. I was scared to touch the dress. The thought that it belongs to Ludmilla, once a girl full of life and now in some casket. I haven't visit the grave yet. I couldn't put myself to it. I don't want to cry anymore. Not that I could help it when I did hold one of her dresses. I let quiet tears run down my cheek as I quickly leave the guest room. I shouldn't have brought myself to it. It's weird to cry from the memories with just a empty feeling. I go back to my room and in front of the window, I force my eyes to close.

The darkness isn't comforting at all and I sigh as I close eyes. I'm still wide awake. The noises of my "what if" in my mind drive me insane. I grab my phone and open WhatsApp. My thumbs scroll through the messages I've never deleted. I'm sentimental like that. Even my messages have value for me. But in the message find nothing wrong. I guess her facade was just too strong. Too strong to see through, even for her best friend. I look and the picture on the night stand greets me. The picture of her and me.

"I'm sorry that I failed you." I whisper to her. I know she can't hear me. But I didn't hear her when she needed me. Perhaps it makes us even on a disturbing way. In a very disturbing way.

I had to rewrite this chapter two times. I hope it's OK for my crappy writing. This chapter was originally supposed to go different, but yeah...