For When I Am Dead

For the author.

I am Ashley.
Eulogies are supposedly written by other people, not the one who just died. Well, I'm still alive...but I'm writing this for the Ashley people knew.

That Ashley was a weird girl. She made faces all the time. She'd draw on the back of her notebooks and doodle on her books. She'd talk about weird stuff, boys' love and whatnot. She liked having friends although she knew it would not be good. She liked her first boyfriend although she knew it had its own complications. Ashley is a huge crybaby. She's strong and weak at the same time. Her personalities constantly changed depending on anime characters she liked. That was one of her characteristics, being the 'otaku' she was. Ashley was fond of art. Theatre, visual arts, anything that had something to do with art. She was an avid fan of it. She secretly wanted people to praise her for singing and acting, drawing and painting. She secretly liked those corny and cheesy korean dramas and few of her country's soap operas. She secretly didn't like how her friends treated her. She secret hated how her friends acted when with her. She secretly didn't like how people she liked kept talking nasty about her. She secretly didn't like her boyfriend's personality, his attitude, his mindset. She secretly wanted to die ever since she realized depression was already there. She held secrets a lot. She faked herself a lot. I didn't really know her too. No one did. Her thoughts were messed up, her mindset is also crazy. She's not true to anyone...even herself. She knows and doesn't know things. She speaks to herself a lot. It's not obvious but she never really liked the 'reality'. She loved being away from it---always locking herself in her room at home and always secluding herself at school.

There was a significant event...which drove her to killing herself. When she's had enough of the ugly reality, she had to face the painful one head-on. Unknowingly, it was the last.

Once upon a time, she fell in love with her bestfriend. She never wanted it, she brushed it away. But things happened and apparently they ended up together. As their relationship grew, she learned her bestfriend's history with the previous girl. Her usual clumsy mind grew even messier. She was not clear of her objectives. And ended up lashing out on the previous girl on social media. Although she did, she never wanted anyone to care and she even expected that nobody will care. But things took a turn when people believed it was for the previous girl. At school, Ashley was forced to listen to their talks for ten straight hours and thinking about how this will go on for the next three months left in school, she cracks. Broken, she goes home and cries. She couldn't show this weak side at school, not to her friends, not to her boyfriend, because everyone seemed like an enemy---she felt better breaking down at home. But it was not enough. Depression sunk in and later on, she commits suicide. The end.

It's a happy ever after, believe me. She was happy to leave this world. She was happy to be gone from everything. Running away? It's a choice. No one can dictate what's right or wrong. There's no god. There's no heaven nor hell. That's how she lived her life. Focusing on what she loved the most.

This is as short as it can be.

Because I never knew myself enough.