Let's begin this from the very beginning, shall we?
This was back in year 8 and although I know we don't talk very much about what happened and we seem to have a great understanding of it all, I'd still like to include it in here because I think it's important.
Even if I was a bit of a jerk in it, let's dwell on the past for a moment XD
Keep in mind, everything from here on forward is from my perspective and I may or may not have told you all of this.
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It was sometime around year 7 when I first met you and I remember thinking you were mysterious and quiet.
I also thought you had quite a strong friendship with Rohan and that was something really nice because at that point in time, a quality friendship was kind of rare for me.
I didn't talk to you much at that point because I was still finding my way in high school and seemingly, so were you. I knew nothing about you and I didn't care to learn, as I was stuck on somebody else.
It was in year 8 when I found that were in the same class and even then, I didn't really bother knowing you. I didn't want many friends at that point and to be completely honest, I had no interest in any guy except that one in particular.
We started to talk a bit, due to our friends being in the same group. I learnt a bit about you but for the most part, I didn't know you at all. I'm sure it was pretty much the same for you.
I do remember being in the library once and you and I think, Justin? You two up were in our group and Gabby was sitting on the floor playing a card game. You two went up to her and started irritating her. To stop potential outburst on her part, I grabbed your hand and led you back to the tables where we sat.
It was a few months later when I remember playing truth circle with Gabby, Thea and a few others. They asked me if I had ever thought of dating you or if I liked you and I didn't really know what to say. I knew that they would spread whatever I said so I kept my words cautious.
I do remember Gabby and Thea going over to you and talking to you about something, which was probably regarding that stupid game. You said something to them and I saw them smile and act really weird but of course, I brushed it off.
I'm pretty sure it was a science lesson when it happened so naturally, I didn't care much about that game or anyone really.
I think at break in that very same day, those two kept bugging me. Particularly about you.
They talked about you and about a potential future for stuff, making me squirm and walk away. Thea asked if I thought you were cute a while later and I made the mistake of saying "yeah" because she told you. I ran away then too.
I overheard Gabby and Thea talking later on and I thought I heard them say that you liked me but I wasn't sure so I ignored it. I thought that there was no way, we barely knew each other.
That day, I went on Skype and Gabby practically forced me to talk to you. She gave me your Skype username and we began talking, although it was very awkward. I think I then asked you if you liked anyone.
In that moment, I was genuinely curious. A part of me thought it was me since I heard them talking about it earlier but a part of me hoped it wasn't, because I knew that I would have to turn you down. That was something that I wasn't really...prepared for.
You know what happened after, as did most people in our group.
A lot of them didn't know that it really really did hurt me to turn you down. Even though it couldn't compare to the amount of heartbreak you probably felt, it still sucked to. I'll be honest here, there were times when I just...hated myself for what I did.
It didn't help that my 'best friends' were constantly making it worse but it didn't matter.
I remember things being awkward between us afterwards...
I felt guilty pretty much every time I saw you, hence why I barely hung out with you at all. You were also pretty adamant in avoiding me, which is understandable.
But sometimes, I would randomly message you and I hoped you wouldn't think I was a bitch or anything for what had happened. I just wanted to clear the air between us and sort everything out.
There were a few times that I regretted the messages I sent, because I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me and I sure as hell didn't want to hurt you or anything. But now I know know how you truly felt about those messages so I don't think I really regret them.
It lead to a bit of conversation between us, although they were never that deep. They seemed more like, small talk except extended version.
One of my other memories regarding the year was our first kiss, in a sense.
I was in Japanese when Kimberley took an extremely embarrassing photo of me. She told me that I would have to kiss you or she would post them online. I was like "hell no" because even then, I knew I wanted to save my first kiss. But I did manage to get her to change it to a cheek kiss, which I wasn't really sure of but did anyway.
I remember kissing your cheek and then you kissed mine, making everyone around us erupt in a cloud of "awwwws" and a bunch of other remarks.
I also remember the first time I was ever feeling...something over you. I might not have told you this but it didn't register as anything until a few days ago, when I realised it was...a form of possessiveness?
It was our trip to the aquarium and Gabby and Zarik had broken up. You were fairly close to her and stayed by her side for most of it, which I didn't really mind.
I hung out with Thea in the back and since it was my first time there, I was practically glowing with excitement when I thought about seeing sharks.
It was only when she said something about not wanting to be a bad friend to me but she shipped you and Gabby together, that I seemed to go...idk...weird. I didn't like you but for some reason, her words kind of bothered me. I didn't know why and I still don't fully understand what I felt there at that moment.
But like most of my feelings, I shut it away and locked it down, prepared to move on with my life.
Year 8 was a blur; a confusing and messy blur.
But if it was necessary to get you now, I'd do it all again.
Just with a few better choices XD
