Always

16. Chapter

-June-

I feel dirtier with every time I try to wash away the sense of guilt from my body.

The hot water rins over my burning skin, dazes my thoughts and emotions. That's how a crazy person must feel like, empty and confused. Roberto's dark brown eyes appear in front of me and I resist the temptation to yell.

I look at my life from a very different point now.

Anthony might think I just ruined my only chance of being happy in life but I know that I had no other choice than letting him go. The emptiness will fill, the nausea will pass, the memory of him begging me to stay with him will fade.

I turn off the water and dress myself quickly, when I go downstairs to get out with Nathalie I have to keep myself steady at the bannister. In spite of the fact that even the last piece of energy has vanished from my body, I manage to stay on my feet. I will never know how, the only important thing is that I do.

"So, what did I miss?" Nathalie asks after a while of walking in silence. We have already turned into the main street to get to the center of the village. I try to remember when I have last seen her. Somehow the world had stopped moving when I had left the football field behind. Somewhere, someone must be sitting at the control center of my life, keeping the "pause"-button pressed, forcing me therefore to live in that dark loop of grief and emptiness. I feel like someone has died. And somehow I behave like someone has died. 
A dear family member, a close friend, a soul-mate... myself. 
June has died!
Once and for all. 
This faceless shell couldn't possibly be me!
I had lost my identity somewhere on the way that brought me here. It seems like a lifetime has passed ever since, then again it has been only three days since the opening at the gallery. 

"Didn't Anthony tell you?"

Nathalie bites her lips before smiling. "He has." She admits softly. "Jesus, I couldn't believe my ears. It sounded like a terrible soap opera."

"Ask me."

"This summer has been everything else than I would have expected. Has Francois called you another time?"

I shake my head and pull the cardigan closer to me. The emptiness had filled me with nothing but coldness, sometimes I believe I must have turned into a ghost by now. It would simplify many things.

"I think he's going to leave me alone for a while. He knows that I am writing and that's all that matters to him."

"What an asshole."

"Uh-huh. Jesus, I haven't even asked you about the gallery opening. I am totally messed up."

"Don't worry. I know you have been busy with all of your break-ups."

I swallow down the bitterness and nod in thoughts. Nathalie is only trying to cheer me up and I would have laughed if I hadn't been the maneater of the village. 

"I don't know how you can live with it. I mean, you love him, June."

"I would really appreciate it, if we would never mention that tiny fact again."

"June." Nathalie stops near a bench in the square and sits down. "There is something I need to tell you."

"Is it about him?"

I can't bring myself to mention his name. I already got it tattoed for the infinity on my heart.

Nathalie nods. "He came by the other day."

"Please don't."

I beg her closing my eyes for a moment. It was hard enough leaving him a second, a third, a millionth time. Permitting him a life with Charlene, rather running off with me. It has nothing to do with strength, but pure survival instinct. And in order to survive, I need to move on, leave this bleeding wound behind me, ignore the pain, exclude the thoughts. Forget his name, his existence, his warm brown eyes that hunt me each time I close my eyes. I concentrate on the group of children running over the parking lot of the square, follow the slowly steps of an old woman.