Chapter 11
Era stop it. Sabay agaw ng shot glass that I was about to drink. Andito kami ngayon ni Dave sa bar ng resort. And I am again drowning myself sa alak para makalimutan ang lahat lahat ng nangyari. Kung pwede pa lang na di ko na lang maalala ang lahat. Kung sino ako kanina kung umasta. Others may think that nanalo ako pero I still felt like a loser. I never felt this worse. I never felt this useless.
Dave, Just go away! I’ll be fine here. Pagtataboy ko sa kanya. In the first place bakit ko ba siya kinakausap? Di ba galit ako sa kanya?
Stop it. Makakasama sa’yo ang pag inom.
Oh c’mon Dave! Stop lecturing me on what’s good or bad for me. And as if my drinking would change anything. And I give him a fake laugh.
You will stop drinking whether you like it or not. And I was suddenly being carried away from the bar. Nagpumiglas ako but Dave is strong. I am not yet drunk so I still have the capacity to kick him or something para mabitawan niya ako but then I didn’t do it. Wala na akong lakas para manlaban, I don’t have the will to fight, I don’t have the strength to go on fighting. I wanted to give up. To just give up on everything kasi pagod na pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod na ako emotionally and physically. Naramdaman ko na lang na umiiyak na ako. After a few minutes inihiga na ako ni Dave sa bed ko sa room namin ni Nica.
Iwan mo na ako.
Ok. Just call for room service if you need anything. I’ll call Nica para bantayan ka. He didn’t get it. He doesn’t understand.
Iwan mo na ako for good Dave. Bumalik ka na ng London. You don’t have to stick with me anymore kasi wala ka nang mapapala sa akin. I told him calmly, casually. He stopped from opening the door at bumalik sa akin.
Alam mong hinding hindi ko yan gagawin Era. I will stick with you no matter what happens.
Wag mong sayangin ang buhay mo at propesyon mo ng dahil lang sa akin Dave. You have a great future awaiting for you in London? Why waste it here with me?
Dahil kung hindi dahil sa’yo Era, matagal na akong walang future. Matagal na akong namatay.
Then consider yourself paid sa ginawa ko sa’yo! I shouted at him. At kahit kailan naman hindi kita siningil sa ginawa kong yun. It’s my social reponsibility na tulungan ang taong nangangailangan. I still should have done it even if it was not you.
Then I’m also doing my social responsibilty by sticking with you. He said calmly.
Damn it, David. Stop being sarcastic. Can’t you see? Pinapaalis na kita sa buhay ko. I don’t want you here anymore. Hindi mo ba naintindihan yun? I stood up para magkalevel kami.
Yes, you might not want me with you but you need me Era.
Who told you that I need you? I don’t need you. I can walk, talk and do anything without you. Hindi kita kailangan sa buhay ko David. So leave. I know that nasasaktan siya sa mga sinasabi ko but I don’t want him to suffer with me. Alam ko na tuwing nasasaktan ako nasasaktan din siya. Hindi ako manhid para hindi malaman na mahal ako ni David. Pero I just can’t reciprocate his feelings. Kasi ang tangang puso ko iisang tao lang ang tinitibok.
Kahit ano pa ang sabihin mo Era. Hinding hindi pa rin kita iiwan. Kahit ilang beses mo akong ipagtabuyan hinding hindi ako aalis. Hinding hindi kita iiwan hanggang…and yumuko siya.
Hanggang ano? Hanggang ano David? Bakit hindi mo ituloy? And I burst into tears. Bakit hindi mo ituloy ang sasabihin mo? Bakit? Hindi mo matanggap? Hindi mo matanggap na….
Era, there is still a chance! He shouted at me. At hinawakan niya ang balikat ko and shake me. As if dahil sa ginawa niyang yun magigising ako sa katotohanan.
A chance? A chance David? Kaya ba sinabi mo sa family ko? Kaya sinabi mo sa kanila kahit na pinagbabawal ko!? Because you believe in your goddamn chances!? Napayuko siya sa sinabi ko. That’s why I wanted you to leave David. That’s the reason that I wanted you to leave. Hindi pa ako invalid, you’re already acting as if I am an invalid. I may be dying but I am still capable of making decisions. I just hope na respetuhin mo ang decision na yun.
But you’re being selfish Era. Sa tingin mo wala silang karapatan na malaman yun? They care for you. Maybe more than I do. They deserve to know. Your parents, your friends. I hate this discussion. I so hate this discussion. I hate discussing my own death with my doctor. Paulit ulit. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa kanya na wag makialam pero nangialam pa din siya. SInabi niya pa din sa family ko.
Para ano pa? So they could suffer along with me? So they would see me deteriorating everyday? Is that what you want? Isn’t it enough for you to see me not getting through the day without those goddamn medication?
No Era. I don’t want them to suffer with you. I wanted them to know because it is their right to know and it is my responsibility as your doctor to let them know. Hindi lang ikaw ang marunong magmalasakit Era. Hindi lang ikaw ang marunong magmahal. Sa tingin mo kung bigla ka na lang mamatay ano ang mararamdaman nila? They will feel deprived. Deprived because hindi ka man lang nila nadamayan sa panahon na naghihirap ka. Deprived of the times na pinagkait mo sa kanila na ipakita kong gaano ka nila kamahal. Deprived of the chance na makasama ka ng mas matagal. Deprived of the chance na mabuhay ka pa. If you do not want to take that chance because of your weakness, maybe they will take that chance for you Era. Siguro mas matapang sila para I take ang chance na yun.They will no doubt take the chance because they wanted you to live. Kasi unlike you maniniwala silang mabubuhay ka pa. Maniniwala silang may chance ka pang mabuhay Era kasi they wanted to be with you for a longer time.
Chance? Then you are going to tell them that I only have 0-5% chance of living? Yun ba ang sasabihin mo David? What chance are you saying? I don’t even have a stem cell donor. Anong chance ang pinagsasabi mo? Can you honestly tell them that I still have a chance kung kahit ang donor eh wala? Matatawag ba na chance yun!? Napaupo ako sa kama. Nakakapagod ang ganitong usapan.
Kahit .001% pa yun Era it is still a chance. Please don’t give up. Kaya pa yan. At si Enzo, I stiffened when he mentioned Enzo’s name. What do you think would he feel kung malaman niya?
Hindi niya malalaman. I said sternly.
At ano ang gagawin mo? Itago ang lahat sa kanya?
He doesn’t care anymore. He won’t give a damn what will happen to me.. I said sadly.
You can’t be so sure Era. You can never tell..
What are you planning to do now? Tell Enzo katulad ng pagsabi mo sa parents ko? Approched him and say ‘ Hey Enzo, Era has leukemia and she’s dying in 2 months but sadly there is still a chance that she’ll live if we can find a stem cell donor. But nonetheless you better prepare a wraith for her.’ Is that it?
I took and deep breath kasi nahihirapan akong huminga.
Sige David. Tell him! I dare you to tell him. I am sobbing now. I can’t control it. Tell him and I’m going to kill myself in front of you. At nang hindi na tayo umabot sa letseng dalawang buwan na yan!
