Doubt

Doubt. Like a disease that spreads. Everyone has their doubt whether about something, someone, or even themselves. There is doubt in everyone.

I too, have my doubts. I mostly doubt myself and my ability to be as good as Grandpa Rome. Sometimes I forget about that doubt but then the insults and so much more hit.

Doubt rises like a flame in me. And as much as I try, I will never be able go put it out. I doubt that I will never be able to hold together the country I stand for. I doubt that my own brother would even decide to help. I doubt that I won't be able to make people happy anymore. I doubt about love.
I have so many doubts that even I sometimes wonder how I even smile.

People often forget that I can have doubts too. I can't do everything by myself with all this doubt in mind, but no one is going to help. They'd call me weak. I want to prove that I'm strong and capable. Then that doubt comes back to haunt me and everything goes to hell.

Like now. A smile plastered on my face as I hear what they say. I probably look innocent and oblivious but I'm observant. Watching their every move. Hearing everything they say. It's painful to say the least. I have to keep reminding myself that I will only have to keep smiling for a little bit longer. Then I can go home.
~
Just as the meeting ended, I rushed out the door. I arrived home quickly. By home I mean at a hotel because the meeting was in Germany.

I have two reasons for rushing here. One, I didn't want to really talk to anyone today. And two, I needed to get some work done. By some work I mean double the amount it should be. Romano only does half of his so I often have to finish the damn stuff. The problem with that is that the stress that builds up. It causes me to often just want to shut down....but work is work. Either way I'm going to have to do it. It's my duty after all.
~
I can't do it. It's three in the morning and I somehow have more work to do. I'm stressed to the point where I think I'm going pass out. And I rather have that happen than having to do this.

I doubt that this stuff will even matter!

I guess I should stop working. I'm too tired and stressed...

He was right there. Sitting right there with his back turned to me. I ran closer reaching out but he kept getting farther away. Suddenly, he turned and smiled at me. He stood up. That's when I noticed the broom. So he kept it after all. He turned to look forward again. He started walking. I ran trying to reach but to only fall. I looked up only to find him gone. While I heard a whisper.

"I love you, Italy...I will come back..I promise...."

Suddenly, I was inside a house looking out the window. I could hear the murmurs of those I knew. Days went by. As I sat there. Waiting...

I woke up where I last remember being. At a desk. I guess I did pass out. It was still dark meaning it was still early. Which is good. I get to see the sunrise. Might as well get some coffee before it comes up.

I let the coffee maker do whatever as I went to the bathroom. I was kind of just...staring at myself. Noticing the tiredness written on my face. I need to sleep more. Maybe one day I could get all that sleep I need. I doubt it. Having so many thoughts and work and stress. There's just no way I could get any sleep.

The coffee was ready. Just in time for me to be able to grab a cup and sit at the window watching. The dark sky slowly grew into light. Almost like a crack letting out its light. It was beautiful as always. There was no way I could miss one of the most beautiful things that anyone in the world can see. Just like the sunrise the sunset is too, is something beautiful that everyone can see. There's just not enough beauty for everyone to see. Not enough to be shared. I guess it's why I love to see the sunset and sunrise because it can't be taken. Unlike everything else.

Unlike the people I know. Unlike the smiles on people faces. Unlike buildings and material things. Unlike everything I pointlessly work hard for.
Everything I try for is worthless. I know that but it's just nice to think that it has importance. That I have importance...

There was a knock on the door. For a moment I had flashback. As if I were at Austria's house again and if I open the door he will be standing there with a smile. I blinked only to find myself back in the present. Standing by the door as I was reaching to open it. If only...I blinked again and opened the door.

It was Germany. I stood there silently for a moment. He reminded me so much of him. My heart started to ache, and not baring to let anyone see me truly, I slammed the door shut. Locking it and dashing to the bed. I grabbed a pillow to squeeze. Tears came down quickly. I shut my eyes not baring to see the world anymore. I hate the cruel reality of truth. But as much doubt that fill my mind hope fills it to. Hope that one day everyone will be able to forget doubt that see the beauty of the world. I doubt it will ever happen.

Doubt. It fills our minds causing hurt. The problem is that we can't live without it. As much as we hate it, we need to understand sorrows and truths even if they're cruel.