Doubt

Doubt part 6

Heartbreak is a silly feeling. Easy to misinterpret when so young. Impossible to handle when older. It fades away after awhile. I've had hundreds of years to let it fade. And it has. It's nothing but a memory at this point. That doesn't stop its impact on me.

I tend to forget his name or the way he looked or even the day he left. It still comes back to me then it leaves me and I'm back where I started. Why did it impact me now of all times? Easy answer. I remembered him as a whole. I blame myself for his fate. I'm not sure why. It was his stupid choice that led him to his grave.

I didn't cry when France told me of Holy Rome's fate. I smiled because I couldn't remember who he was talking about. By then I had grown up quite a bit. By then I'd met so many people that remembering names wasn't even necessary. Mortality is a scary thing but immortality is a force to be reckoned with. Time doesn't matter anymore. Nothing really matters anymore. People come and go. So why am I still moping around about it? Simple. That bastard, Germany, looks identical to that little boy I knew. Acts the same too. Everything he does reminds me of the person I wish to forget. I'm pathetic that way.

Gilbert was always there in the background. He saw it all and laughed at it because it only benefited him for an empire to fall. I'm jealous of that. I wish I could laugh like he did. The problem is that I'm not like him.

I'm a pacifist-for the most part. War isn't fun for me. I don't get my sick kick out if it. I get my sick kicks out watching his plan backfire. But I can't laugh anymore when Gilbert is proud of his work. He's proud of Germany. I'm envious of that. I want someone to have that same pride in forming me. Yet, I formed myself alone despite the grip others had on me. Always watching out the window searching for something.

I like to believe that I was searching for someone but I wasn't. I was searching for something better. For friends, for family, for a real connection. Impossible when even my own brother never really bothered to truly care. I mean, we're close but it's rarely a real connection. He never even tried to understand me while I tried with all my might to make up for the time apart.

I may have everyone on my side but I truly have no one. When I did-when I had Holy Rome-the connection was taken from me. Pulled from right out my hands and I just stood there and let it happen. Just like everything else, I let it get ripped away from me.

Heartbreak is a silly feeling because it can be felt over and over. And it's always the worst the first time. It's a catalyst to catastrophe yet it makes the peaceful realization come faster. It doesn't make time slow, though. It doesn't make anyone else change but you. You can either better yourself or let yourself drown in the feeling like a pathetic sack of sadness.

I chose to forgive and forget and move forward. Forward was the only place that didn't have me drowning in every little thing. It's Germany that brings me back to those times. I can't shake the memory when even the thought of him brings me back. Even if he didn't exist, even if he didn't look like that same stupid boy I fell in love with, the history is still there. The Earth is almost eternal. Things from the past remain so it never truly fades. 

Everyone in this meeting is a result of the past. Everyone in this meeting I could have a solid connection with. The history is there. Gilbert is an example of that. The problem is that the same history that makes the connection also destroys it.

It's like they have a big 'x' on their face if they haven't showed me that they forgive and forget. I doubt most of them ever will. Gilbert has been quite the exception to this challenge but that's because he's smart. He knows me well and he's willing to learn. He has the patience to let me learn how to open up as if I'm some kind of flower.

It's that exception that scares me. Heartbreak will come about as new history is made. I can't guarantee that Gilbert won't slip up. When he does, my ridiculous standards derived from fear will kick in and the big fat 'x' will come back just like it did when Holy Rome left me. Just like it always does. And I doubt there will be anyone that will win against my standards. I can't even do that. That's because they're ridiculous. I'm searching for a fairy tale. A person that won't ever do me wrong.

Who know if I'll ever find that. I doubt I ever will. It's that doubt that spreads in me and through me like some kind disease. Doubt, like any other plague, changes how you view the world. Usually it gives you hope and adoration for the world around you. But doubt is a disease that makes me hate to see the world.

Gilbert is insanely good with words. He got me out of where I should've stayed. Made me laugh for a little while but I doubt he didn't have his motivations. It was clearly to get into a meeting. Maybe with some honestly spread in it. I doubt he was very honest. However, he, like me, is a liar. Just not a very good one. But I get his motivations in that sense.

In all honestly, all I could really do is thank him for getting me out of the pit but the pit is my home and I have to go back. He hasn't even been paying attention to me, no one has. So they all wouldn't notice me leave. Especially with Germany reciting whatever is in his paperwork like reading a passage in a book.

Quietly, I got up, trying my best not to make a sound. The carpeting in the room made it easier to pad over to the door. It was a quick to open and shut door. I shut it carefully behind me. It made the tiniest click and I was free to relax. The corridors all around were empty and still. It took my a few steps to be stopped by someone grabbing at my wrist. I instantly turned around. An anxiety built up within my as I saw that it was America with a worried look on his face.

"Italy, dude, are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine." I pulled at my arm trying to get it out of his grip. He only frowned harder but didn't let go.

"Doubt it." He finally let go cause me to fall back a bit and almost snack myself in the face.

"What do you know?" I hissed. "Your the idiot who doesn't know thing about maps."

"Okay, now you're scaring me, acting like your brother."

"I'm not trying to."

"Then there's most definitely something wrong." He brought a hand up to his face to fix his glasses. "I could help if you want."

"I doubt you would know a damn thing about helping me."

"I can't know until I try it."

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes and turned to leave.

"Where were you going?"

"Bathroom."

"How? The bathrooms are in the opposite direction."

"What's your point?" I turned back to look at him.

"My point is that you're not fooling anyone."

"I'm not trying to." I scowled. "I'm just being myself."

"No, you're not."

"What would you know?"

"Because the Feli I know would be smiling while saying that." He was right. If I was honestly being myself I would be wearing a smile or even a smirk with my words because I'm a playful person. I'm not this bitter and scared asshole. "So, are you up for my offer?"

I groaned, "Fine."