Doubt

Doubt part 3

part 3 because yall are insane

i think i might do something special with this though

im not sure but i hope you enjoy this or cry anyway

my writing's improved so i know much better now how to break your hearts huehuehuehuehue

You guys are going to hate me :^)

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Every breath is always shaky nowadays. Not like I can really help it. Though it's worse when I run. Yet another mistake I've managed to make. Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes, always doing things wrong, always in the way. That sounds almost like a chant. I guess it is a chant. My own personal cheering to remind me of what everyone has told me. 

If only it wasn't so easy to act like an idiot all the time. Though it guarantees security most of the time. Not much I can really do from the sidelines but I guess I've grown so used to running away. It's become a habit. 

Right now shows that off. I don't think it was a good idea to run away from everyone. It's not like they noticed anyway but running was really not a good idea. I could practically feel my lungs struggle to fill. My chest feeling tight. I knew the feeling full well.

Panic. I guess that's why I'm running. To outrun the panic.

What am I scared of? There's no war. No one to fear. It's something. Something, something, something.

Suddenly, I'm lost. Trees, grass, flowers. A forest. Why am I here? I can't breathe. Everything's blurred and shaking. Where am I?

I can't handle this. Whatever this is.

Drip.

I'm right back to running. My legs aching. Throat dry. Sight blurred. Lungs ready to give out. Heart pounding hard.

Why am I running? It's not from panic. What caused the panic?

My legs stopped.

Where am I?

~

I managed to find my way to the hotel I was staying at. It didn't hit me until I was finally able to relax on the bed. I ran out of an important meeting.

I mean, it's not like we really get far but we make it somewhere with some really important issues. And my boss is going to kill me for this. Romano too. And France, and Germany, and Spain, and everyone will be disappointed.

Shit. Why do I always do this? I doubt they will forgive me. Much less even want to look at me.

What do I do?

Maybe staying here for the rest of the days would be a good idea. Wait, that wouldn't be a very good idea at all. Maybe going back. But then they'll give me that disappointed look.

Goddamnit, how can I lead so many people if I can't even deal with this stupid problem? It's pathetic. I'm just useless.

It's plain and simple as that.

Why am I even trying anymore?

~

I woke up with the same tired and disgusting feeling as always. I can't even remember what started the feeling. It's just been so many years.

The window. Perhaps it was all those long nights waiting for something. I can't really remember what though.

And honestly, all I really know right now is that I feel awful. I guess it's because of my little breakdown yesterday. Not surprising.

At this rate, I doubt that I'll make it to the meeting today.

Not that I want to.