Damage & Decay

Chapter 32

Part Three: Lost Girls

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."

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Both horses were spitting foam again by the time they reached the top of the mountain; then the ground leveled out, and they found the fire access road. Like all roads in the Ruins, it was badly overgrown, but Eren could see footprints, wheel ruts, and dried horse dung that looked recent.

"Is this the route the traders take?"

"Yes. This is the same area where I first saw the Lost Girl," Armin said. "This is where I found the first couple of zoms that Mikasa killed. I told you they were all similar in size and look."

"Yeah," Eren said. "Like she was hunting one person over and over again. Hard to believe that a little girl could do that."

"What, kill a full-grown man? All it takes is stealth and the right weapons."

"No," said Eren. "It's hard to believe that a little girl could kill anyone.  I mean, sure, zoms . . . but how does a kid get to the point where they want to take a life?"

"Fair question, Eren, but let me ask you one in turn. If Charlie Pink-eye was in front of you, right now this minute, would you want to kill him?"

Eren nodded. "In a heartbeat."

"You're sure?"

"After what he did?"

"Even if we get Nix back unharmed?"

"No question about it, Armin."

Armin studied him for a while before he said, "Couple things about that. I hear you when you say you'd kill Charlie, and for the most part I believe you, but there's a little hesitation in your voice. If I'd have asked the same question last night, you'd have said yes without the slightest hesitation, because the hurt was immediate. It was right there in your face. But this is hours later. The blood cools, and the more distance you put between the heat of passion and any act of commission makes something like killing much harder to do. When people talk about killing in cold blood, they're refereeing to something someone does even after they've calmed down and had time to think. If it takes us a month to find Charlie, you might not want him dead at all. You might want to see him put on trail, you might want to see the system work instead of getting blood on your own hands."

"Okay, okay, I get the idea. You said there was a couple of things. What's the other?"

"Why do you  want Charlie dead?"

"Is that a real question?"

"Sure. I mean, he didn't physically hurt you. He didn't kill anyone in your family. He didn't kill Nix, at least as far as we know. . . . And I don't think he has, even now."

"He . . . ," Eren began, but faltered. "Because of Mr. Pixis and Nix's mom. Because of what he might be doing to Nix. What kind of question is that?"

"So, you want to kill him for revenge?"

Eren didn't answer. Apache blew loudly, scaring some robins from the grass.

"Will that bring Dot Pixis or Jessie Riley back from the dead? Will it fix Marco's head or guarantee that we'll find Nix safe and unharmed?"

"No, but--"

"So, why do you want Charlie dead? What good will it do?"

"Why do you  want him dead?" Eren snapped, frustrated by Armin's questions.

"We're not discussing me," said Armin. "We can, but we're no right now."

Eren said, "Charlie's hunting people that I care about, and last night we agreed that Charlie's going to come after us. To shut us up or whatever. He knows that we know, and he knows that we're not going to let it go, even if the court clears him."

"Right," said Armin. "Charlie's smart enough to have figured that out. So . . . you want to kill him to prevent him from killing you?"

"Us, it's not just me. But, yeah. That makes sense, man. Doesn't it?"

"Sadly, yes, it does."

"Why sadly?"

"Because it's the way things still seem to be among us humans. Like Leroy Williams said, we never seem to learn."

"What's the alternative? Do nothing and let Charlie kill us?"

"No. I'm a pacifist by inclination, but I have my limits. And on top of that I'm not a martyr."

"So, you intend to kill Charlie?"

Armin's eyes were black ice. "Yes."

"So why are you grilling me on this stuff, Armin?"

"Because the things that happened yesterday just kicked you into the same world as the Lost Girl. There's some logic to it, even some justice in it, but the more you walk in that world, the more damage it's going to do. And I don't think there's a way for us to turn back. Not anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"The bodies that I found. The girl wasn't just trying to kill a certain person or a certain type of person. She was trying to punish the image of that person that existed in her mind. Something had been done to her that was so bad, so tragic, that it changed her--maybe forever. Revenge isn't really enough a word to explain what she's feeling and why she's doing what she's doing. It's more like an infection of the spirit, and it distorts everything she sees and everything she does."

"So," Eren said, sorting through it, "she's trying to kill the idea  of this guy? That she's trying to kill the infection by killing what cause it?"

Armin cut a sharp look at Eren.

"What?" asked Eren.

"That may have been the smartest thing you ever said, kiddo. It shows that you have insight. Yes, that's exactly what Mikasa is doing."

"So . . . who's the guy she's trying to kill?"

"Maybe one of the bounty hunters killed Annie, or maybe she died in the Z-Games and Mikasa's fixated on the image of the man who put her into one of the pits. Finding that out is one of the reasons I want to find her."

Eren digested this as they came out from under the shade of trees into a gorgeous field in which wildflowers ran rampant and proclaimed their freedom in shouts of colors. The sky was a distant blue, and massive white clouds sailed across it. The image was so lovely that Eren's mind saw but discounted the abandoned cars that were covered with weeds and probably filled with old bones.

"It's hard to imagine that there is so much hurt and harm out here, isn't it?" said Armin softly.

All Eren could do was nod. He took the Lost Girl card out of his pocket and stared at it. Such a beautiful, proud, tragic face. "Mikasa," he murmured, but the breeze through the tall grass answered him in Nix's voice.

They reached the creek and turned north; riding in silence for several miles till Armin swung out of the saddle and squatted down by a rusted metal footbridge. Eren watched his brother's face as he examined a series of overlapping footprints and turned his head to see which direction their prey went.