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I woke up dizzily. What had happened? Was this all a dream? I rolled over to my right. There sat Alwolfo.

 Screaming, I scrambled to my feet. "What are you doing in my house?" I cried.

"Actually this is my house," he explained calmly. "I drugged you up with chloroform and drove you here in a body bag stuffed into the boot of my car."

"Wait?" I frowned. "Isn't that, like, illegal or something?"

Before I could even consider pressing charges, I caught sight of his house. And by house, what I meant was his 100 acre mansion in Florida packed with maids and butlers and Bill Gates. There were 27 Starbucks shops on the ground floor alone. I instantly felt better, relaxing immediately.

He was clearly too rich for me to care about the non-consensual abduction that just happened.

Leading me to his room, he said, "You are my maid now."

"If you're so rich, couldn't you have just paid for a maid?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Oh yeah."

"I miss my abusive and neglecting family!" I wailed, thrusting my hands into my pockets and pouting. "I'm lonely!"

"Well," Alwolfo said, "I'm going to invite some friends over tonight to sadistically gloat about my hideous crime of illegally drugging and abducting a minor against her consent."

"So...like a party?" I asked, instantly perking up.

"I guess? Wear something nice."

Suddenly I remembered that I was wearing the most disgusting, slap-dash outfit I owned, and felt deeply ashamed. "I only have these clothes."

"It's cool," he said, throwing open a wardrobe. "Borrow one of these."

In the wardrobe sat row upon row of beautiful – if rather expensive-looking – party dresses.

I frowned. "Alwolfo, why do you have a whole wardrobe dedicated to women's clothing?" I asked.

He shrugged. "A guy's got to have a hobby."

After a brief, awkward silence, Alwolfo left me to decide on a dress while party guests began to arrive at his front door. I took a long time deciding which dress suited my sensitive, introverted character. The wardrobe mainly consisted of staid, floor-length numbers with high, conservative necklines.

Of course I shunned them all for a tiny black leather dress that was just an inch away from being a swimsuit.

Wandering down the stairs, I looked around anxiously. The house was packed with guests, all completely drunk despite the fact that the party had only began five seconds ago.  Despite this being a legitimate kidnap, most of the guests were my 16-year-old schoolmates. They were all drinking beer, except for Xing who was drinking soy sauce straight from the bottle.

She was whooping loudly like an inebriated teenage party animal, whilst screaming ancient Chinese proverbs.

"Hey Xing," I said, "Are you okay?"

"A whitewashed tiger soon shows stripes again as the sun sets to the west on a lily pad!" she yelled. The whole room cheered drunkenly.

I wandered into the kitchen, when unexpectedly a hand reached out to me and made an attempt to go where no hand should go.

Suddenly, Alwolfo burst in and threw the owner of said hand to the ground.

I gasped, looking up at him as if he were god. Or a Starbucks coffee, for to me they were one and the same.

"You saved me from that disgusting pervert! We are now in love!" I breathed adoringly, before something clicked. "Wait, hang on, you were at the front door. How the hell did you know this was happening, let alone sprint over here so quickly?"

He just gave a shrug. "Oh, that's just Lester the Molester. I was just kind of expecting it."

I frowned. "If his name's Lester the Molester, why the hell would you invite him to your party?"

"I don't know, he's like the obligatory perv in every teen fiction novel. Although Herbert the Pervert from downtown seems to be edging in on his business proceedings," he admitted.

Herbert gave me a lecherous grin from the other side of the room. I shuddered.

"Okay Alwolfo, now we've established our love I'll just let you do your thing," I said, and he left the room.

After five minutes, my pathological clinginess kicked in and I went to find him again. "Alwolfo!" I called happily. "Where are you?"

And then I saw him.

Making out with Courtney!

"What the hell you dirty wanton mistress of the shadows!" I screamed at her, bursting into tears. "That's my boyfriend! Slash kidnapper," I added as an afterthought.

Alwolfo pouted. "Summersberry my love!" he whimpered. "She forced herself onto me! Who even knows what she would have done if you hadn't arrived!"

With a disgusted grunt, Courtney shoved him off her, giving him a revolted glare. "What the hell man, you told me you were a cancer patient and that making out with me was your dying wish!"

Obviously I was going to believe my creepy supernatural child abductor rather than my classmate.  Because palpably my classmate was, as Alwolfo had claimed, a sex offender.

"You...you...you tampon!" I screamed at her. Because clearly my boyfriend's infidelity was all her fault. "Alwolfo! I will never trust you again!"

And, with that, I ran from the house in beautiful, soul-touching tears... right into my new geography teacher and One Direction!

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