Monica, My Dearest...

December 26, 2016

Monica, my dearest,

 I think I genuinely miss you. I don't know if that's a good thing or if I am even allowed to feel that way(?) I've been a father to you for well over a year now; during this time I have actually only been physically there for you for 8 months. Is that too soon to become attached? I mean, I like to say we've developed a friendship to our kinship. Father's are supposed to have unconditional love for their children and I'm beginning to feel like I may be developing a bottom-level love for you now. But is it too soon? I don't want to test the waters on this and find out you're way behind me. It took for you to be away for me to realize to do value your presence and you being in my life. But we've only spent 8 months as a family and why is this so damn complicated? You are the only person who has the answers to my thoughts. If I were to dare speak about this to Pepper she would be esctatic and begin thinking ahead when I am worrying about today! I'm thinking about our family situation of what it is today, not in 5 years from now.

 This is one of those issues I never imagined myself in. I never thought I would be navigating my way through fatherhood, let alone when the child is already grown. Without even the smallest inkling of knowledge of how this whole father-daughter is supposed to play out in the long run I can only accept this challenge is by taking it day to day.

 I just - ugh! I spend one Christmas with you and become disappointed when I lose that. I thought the level of happiness I experienced last holiday was just because of the festivities with all of our friends; it still may be that since yesterday we were missing a handful of people but I have the undeniable sense of missing your presence. This is weird! Everything was so much easier when I only had myself to care for.