Monica, My Dearest...

February 14, 2017

Monica, my dearest,

 A father is someone who is meant to protect his family, take care of them, and try his damn hardest to give them a better life of happiness. According to this standard I have absolutely failed you. You have broken into a million pieces and along with that I break too. To see you wilt away and become absolutely numb felt like a boulder struck my chest. You were upset when Alex was missing, but I have never seen you completely shut down like you did last night/ earlier this morning. I ached for you more than I have ever hurt for anyone. I had the overwhelming urge to scream at the world to tell them to stop and leave you alone I could care for you. All the firemen, all the neighbors, policemen, investigators, even the Avengers became too much and I wanted nothing but for you to be separated from that.

 I owe everything I have to your grandparents. They stepped up and took care of you when no one else could because of me. Without them I would not have the family I have today and yet I have now lost part of that group. I mourn to loss of your grandparents for they were a phenomenal couple, but to see you and Pepper torn down reminds me just how valuable family is and that's something I've never had.

 Pepper was devastated, absolutely in tatters. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone, but I've seen her broken before. I know I didn't speak about it much then, but she was a mess when you were undergoing all of your amputation operations and blood transfusions a year or so ago. You, on the other hand, I have never seen crumple into being unable to care for yourself. In that moment I realized I wanted nothing more than to make you happy again. I'm no stranger to death; I've reached the point where when someone is ripped from me I'm not surprised. With everything I've done in life, I almost deserve the pain, but you don't.

 You know I had never really seen Pep as a mother until that week in Paris. After this ordeal I'm seeing her as someone's daughter, someone who was cared for unconditionally out of love. And that's who you are too.

 I told you for the first time I love you. It wasn't like previous experiences where I was nervous or expecting you to return the statement. I said it without caring if you said it back or not because it wouldn't change the way I feel at all. I may have missed being your father for almost 18 years and everything in our lives may be absolutely screwed up, but this patchwork of a family is going to make it work even if we're down 2 members now. With odds and alien armies against us, we'll make it even if we get a few bumps and bruises on the way.

 With those scuffs come arguments. I was sidelined during your fight with Pepper last night. For the first time I heard your true thoughts on the living arrangement. I think I asked you if you were okay with it when we first me, but you gave me the easy answer. Not to say that that answer was untrue, but it wasn't want you felt deep down. It pained me to be reminded of what I caused even if I had no choice to be out of the picture. I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I am not to blame for the past family problems and I won't lie it brings about anxiety thinking about it all. Pepper was really tormented over your dispute because she knew she was right. And I hate it because I know you are right too. It is one of those situations with no right answer and everyone sees their own faults. Everyone is wearing their heart on their sleeve and it was a raw moment for both of you. Pep was just broken up and for the first time I found myself caught between the two of you. Is this what a father is? Screw my original statement, the real job of a father is to bring balance to the household. Maybe it's best she and I don't have another child because it would most definitely result in a civil war, two vs. two. But really, I found my first nature to take her side, but your feelings are absolutely valid. It would be so much easier if I could comfort her by reassuring that she's right, but I don't have a right to weigh in because I am an outsider of this situation.

 The bombing, your grandparents, the argument, we've had one rollercoaster of a night. If I can say anything of substance to this situation is that each day brings something unexpected. Time heals all and I can only hope that these next few weeks and months fly by for you. You're in good hands with us, okay? Just know that there is not a single person in this house who doesn't have some level of love for you. Also know that we will rain down hell on the Black Order, don't doubt that for a second.