Patron Saint

So Darling Let Go of Her Hand

It has been two weeks since Jesse got out of the hospital, four since she's talked to me. My cough has gotten worse and noticing that brings my mood from depressed and lonely to irritated and...well, depressed. "How dare she?" I think. "After all I've done for her? I made sure she was fed and taken care of even when her parents wouldn't. I listened to her, dried her tears. And she just throws me away!"
My thoughts drift away as my eyes rest on the appointment reminder from my doctor. My next check up was in two days. I think about skipping it. What's the point? They already told me I was going to die. A swift knock played on the door takes me out of my head. I moved slowly, wobbling on my weak knees, but miraculously make it to the door without falling. "Yes?" I croaked.
"Mr. White?" It was Beth.
"Hello," I smiled as I opened my door, making a shallow creak like the one Jesse's door made.
"My God, you look terrible!" Her eyes became glassy and she looked like she might cry.
"Thanks, Beth." I chuckled while moving out of the way to let her in
She stood by the door a while, examining me from top to bottom. My humor faded and I scowled. "Come in." I tried to sound polite.
Beth made her way into my livingroom. "Wow, you've really let yourself go. And you've dragged your house along with you."
Beth stared at a plate of cold, half-eaten pizza that had a small halo of flies circling my coffee table. "Yeah..."
I took in the state of everything, the stench, the oily feel of my hair, and the wetness of the sweat that rested deep in the fibers of the shirt I had been wearing for days. "What happened? You were doing so well." Beth still stood by my brown leather couch, not daring to sit. I didn't blame her. "I knew you had been depressed, but you had gotten so much better. You began showering daily, wore cologne, did your laundry, kept your house neat-to the point of it practically sparkling! Now look at you."
I take a second to look around, laughing. "What is it?" Beth asks, concerned and exasperated.
"It's just, this reminds me of when I first went inside Jesse's house. Only I was the one giving the lecture...now look at me..." I trail off and let out some more chuckles before they turn into sobs.
Beth ran to me and held my head to her collarbone. "Shh...honey, is that what this is about? That girl, Jesse?"
I nodded, adding, "And my time limit doesn't help."
Beth gulped, she was never comfortable discussing my time limit, even in all the years she's known me. She usually would tell me it's not my fault I had Leukemia and to stop thinking about it, to enjoy today. I'd always smile and say that still having my hair helped. This time, Beth reacted differently. "Let's go." She sounded solemn.
"What? Where?"
"To Jesse."
My eyes widened in shock, "J-Jesse's?"
"Yes. It's right next door, isn't it?"
"Yeah..." I blushed, thinking about how I must look.
"Let's go then."
Beth begins to lead me to that building that causes me so much gloom everytime I look in it's direction. I have the sudden urge to turn back. "Beth, I-I can't."
"Yes-stop resisting-you can do it."
"But, she won't want to see me."
"Turn around, walk up to that door, knock, wait for her to show up, and at least have the courtesy to say goodbye."
This struck me because I realized that Beth didn't mean a goodbye to our friendship, but as in me dying. "Alright." I swallowed the emptiness of my words, the lie that I was okay with this, that I was ready.
"There's a good boy!"
As my knuckles met the door I realized this wasn't what I wanted. I turned, "Beth, I don't want to say goodbye."
She smiled, "then say hello." She gestured to the doorway where Jesse had appeared.
I opened my mouth to greet her, but I couldn't get a word out before she jumped into my arms, crying. "Spencer! I'm so sorry! So so so so sorry! I kicked you out because I was afraid you were mad and-and felt like I betrayed you. I didn't want to bother you anymore so I stayed away."
Her tears and snot soaked into my gray t-shirt. I smiled despite this, my shirt was dirty enough already. As she pulled away she noticed this as well, "You look like crap."
I laughed at her bluntness. "And you look like an angel."
"Groooooosss." She sticks out her tongue out.