Anxiety

Normal

Is it normal to feel nothing and everything all at once? What does it mean? I'm empty but, I have a feeling swirling inside me. I feel like I'm trapped inside a body. My soul was misplaced. I was meant to be somewhere else, someone else.
This depressed, confused mess isn't me. It can't be. Why is life so fucked up? Why am I living this story line? Why am i so fucked up? When did everything go wrong? When did I go wrong?
I remember the day when everything went down the drain. I remember when I went to the school counselor. It felt weird. I remember sitting in the back of my dad's maroon dodge minivan when my parent argued over my disgusting habit. I showed them where my razors were, they made me. I was broken too early, too easily.
I can't remember any happy days in my life. I wonder when my life will end. I think about the end a lot. I don't want to die but then sometimes, the only thing I want is death, for everything to cease, forever.
I don't want to be sad anymore. There are days were I'm numb or just small moments. I don't know if that's better or worse, to feel pain or nothing at all.
I'm tired, not physically but, emotionally. I'm not stable anymore. I sometimes wonder if I need a therapist. Do I need help? Is there something wrong with me?
Sometimes I wonder what others think I look like. I'm fat and disgusting, I'm sure everyone sees that. I look at my body and everything is so distorted. My legs are huge and stubby and my arms are wide and childlike. I don't wear dresses in fear that people will see the total ugliness of my legs and body. I don't like being me.
I think about cutting again all the time. Sometimes I think razors are too good for me, like I deserve worse. I want to talk about it to someone but to who and what would I say? I'm feel so completely lost. Everything is so pointless. I don't know if I want to be here anymore.