Dear Veronica,
You weren’t supposed to die. I don’t believe that thing people say about “being too good for earth, so God had to take them up to heaven”. We’re a package deal. We always have been, and I don’t see how anything with thoughts or will would split us apart. It’s killing me.
So lately I’ve hated everything a lot.
Your funeral was awful. Well, beautiful, but awful at the exact same time. I’ve never seen anything so perfectly you. I told them everything you told me to, a year or two ago when we decided to discuss our funerals because we had talked about everything else. Which is awfully ironic now, because we can’t talk about anything anymore, and I have everything to tell you. They played Katy Perry, and some of your relatives looked disgruntled. It made me almost feel like laughing. Purple was everywhere. And everybody was wearing white, because black is too sad, and you’ve always been the opposite of everything conventional.
I had to give a speech. I know I wasn’t actually required to, because it’s not like people force you to, but everybody was staring at me all day. They know how close we were. And I guess I know how much of a slap of a face it would be for me to leave without telling everybody how perfect you were.
A lot of people gave speeches before me. People you wouldn’t think would. Like Ella, who sat behind us in French but never actually said anything to us. She made a whole speech about what an amazing person you were, and how much you affected her life. There were a few people like that, and it made me want to punch things. They don’t have a right to be given sympathetic looks, or even for tears to fall from their eyes. They didn’t even know the full glorious you like I do. They don’t know how much they’re going to be missing.
I was the last one.
There was this moment where the priest asked if there was anybody else. Nobody said anything. And then all the sudden I was walking up without even raising my hand or anything. Without you, something from me is missing, and I do things without knowing why. Just because, I think, my body knows I have to go on even when my mind doesn’t.
You can’t believe how awkward it was just standing there over your cold body, telling people about how much I love you. Everybody just watches you, and sobs. Mine was long, even though I always like the shorter ones better. I just didn’t think an inspirational quote or beautiful memory was enough to describe our friendship. I started crying at the second sentence, and I think that half of my speech sounded a bit like a drowning rabbit. Your mom spent about half an hour comforting me. Your mom. I felt selfish for not stopping her—because you’re her daughter and that hurts too—but everything felt wrong and it feels like she’s the only one who has any idea how I feel.
Then they lowered your body into the ground. I just wanted to scream. When you were just sinking beneath the crumbling dirt I had been kicking around the entire day, I had to do all these weird mental exercises to keep from objecting. The ground just doesn’t seem enough for you. I can’t stand even imaging that somebody will walk by you and not stop and stare. It doesn’t seem right.
So instead of objecting in this awful fit that would only take attention from you, I bit on my knuckles. Because it hurt enough to distract me a tiny bit, and it stopped me from blurting out something stupid and impossible; like demanding that you get brought back up so I could double check that you’re lifeless, or so I could talk to you one last time.
You would have laughed at me if I said that, in a sweet mocking best friend laugh, and told me that sort of behaviour isn’t accepted in our modern society. Or any society, for that manner.
I threw up instead. Nothing came out besides weird saliva, because I haven’t been able to eat since you died. Which isn’t particularly normal, but everybody looked at me like it was, because apparently I looked absolutely dreadful all day.
All in all, today was a weird mixture of wanting to blurt out everything about you—your secrets, your habits, your everything—and just wanting to disappear from this world forever.
I’m only living because you would kill me if I didn’t.
Love forever,
Kat
Special thanks to walkingsunshine for the endless support, cover, and friendship :) leave comments below to tell me what you think!!!
