Love, (A Series)

7.3.15 // Love, A Sad Girl

(Trigger warnings: very slight mentions of cutting and suicidal thoughts. I however no longer perform such an action or feel such a way. I've gotten a lot better, I promise. :) )

I've always been invisible.

I was never a spotlight person. I played the girl in the background. Just another face in the crowd. The one no one would notice if she wasn't there to begin with. Silent. Faceless. Invisible. Sometimes life throws you front and center stage. Someone notices you. Someone praises you. Someone tells you I saw you. And you're thinking wow, maybe it's finally my time. But you know from experience, happiness is only temporary. As temporary as the light someone has decided to cast upon you. And then there you are again. Back in the darkness. Back to being invisible.

It's been such a hard year. So many things have tumbled out of control. I feel like I've been free falling for as long as I could remember, just waiting for that last impact, the biggest impact. You hope that maybe everything will be okay. You believe in the /things will be better/ bullshit. But the moment you finally feel like everything is turning around, something or someone just completely obliterates the staircase you've been trying to climb towards a better tomorrow. It's like that one myth. Of the man pushing the rock up this giant hill. And he's always so close to the top. Always so close to freeing himself from everlasting pain and suffering. But something always screws him up and he ends up at the bottom time and time again. He never reaches the top. Neither have I.

There's this saying by Robin Williams. "I used to think the worst thing in life was ending up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel alone." I never realized how many people have made me feel this way until I was sitting on my bedroom floor the other night with tear streaked cheeks and shattered pieces of my heart. I thought I was surrounding myself with good people to make me happy. Wanted. Belonged. Loved. But instead I surrounded myself with a circle of knives, slowly sliding against my skin, poking and puncturing. Stabbing until I bled. People who made me feel nonexistent. People who made me feel like I'm not good enough. People who made me feel alone. Hurt me once. Shame on you. Hurt me twice. Shame on me.

I'm overly forgiving. Hypersensitive. Emotional. Clingy. Naïve. Overly apologetic. Desperate. Stubborn. Bothersome. Insecure. Indecisive. Non-confrontational. Unstable. It's so easy to point out flaws than to actually look at the decent things about yourself. I wished it wasn't like that.

All my life, I've been told I'm a happy person. And for a good part of my life, it was genuine. Then it started fading until it became a façade I just wore way too well. I showed people what they wanted to see: a strong, stable, content girl. But then I go home, I go to my room, peel back that mask and cry myself to sleep. I let all the walls fall down and under them were devastation and sadness and loneliness. You tell yourself it's better this way. It's better to keep it all to yourself. Shield yourself from the pity. From the fake sympathy. From the obligations of others to say they're sorry, things will be ok. And then everything becomes numb. And you are all alone. Because you think no one would ever understand you. Because you never let anyone in.

There was one point in my life that I wanted everything to just stop. For a girl who was so afraid of dying, she fixated on death. For a girl who was so afraid of blood, she watched herself bleed. I know it's not the answer anymore, but just reflecting on what was my weakest moments, it's scary you know? I let myself become so consumed with sadness, so overwhelmed with self hate, so haunted by my dark memories that I allowed the thought to cross my mind.

Music helped, it helped a lot. I didn't have to say anything to feel less alone. People were singing about my feelings. My vulnerability. My hurt. They understood what you never could speak out about. They knew how you felt. And maybe you finally found a safe haven. An escape from a world that has been too dark for too long. But then you're too open about it and even that world becomes tainted. You're labeled as obsessive, crazy, delusional. You're belittled and judged and criticized because you happen to love those people too much. It's all jokes though. For a laugh. A tease. They never meant it to be taken seriously. But they don't realize that when all of that subsides, it's hurtful and damaging. They don't know that those people they tell me that will never know me, that will never meet me, that will never love me like I love them, they're the people that were here for me when they weren't. Those people saved me. It's sad really, when others don't allow one to be happy.

Trust is such a fragile thing. There have been so many times I've wanted to say something and I slowly have been opening up to people, but it's just so hard. It's also a lot for someone to take in. I mean for the majority of your friendship, they've never sensed anything wrong. You can't really just go "Hey can you please pass a french fry? Thanks and oh just to let you know, I've been battling with depression for almost two years." I'm still learning how to speak up without being afraid. But it will take some time. I just hope people are willing to stick around long enough for me to be comfortable enough to do so.

This whole post touched bases on a lot of things. It wasn't really structured and it's probably just a lot of rambling but when are my emotions and feelings not? I don't really expect many to read this if any. It's some deep dark shit, I'm not going to lie. But I wanted it to be raw and personal and unfiltered. If I was going to start being honest, I might as well start with a few strangers before I begin with the people that actually know me personally.

I'll leave you with a few things to keep in mind, maybe things I need to work on as well:

1. Never be afraid to talk to someone when you don't think you can handle it yourself. You don't think they care but there is someone out there that does. Believe me. For a girl who was always so cautious and felt like no one was going to understand her, who felt so invisible and nonexistent, I never realized there was someone who did care and who was so willing to listen to everything I had to say.

2. There will always be people who you can never please. That's just how life is. And it's not your responsibility to to dwell on their negativity until it hurts you. Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

3. Make peace with your past. Self reflect. Tell someone. Allow yourself to move on from that world. It may take a week, a month, a year or a few but the only way you can finally be clean with all of this is to let it stay where it belongs: behind you. Don't make room for it in your future.

4. Time can heal almost anything. I believe it will heal me.

Love,

A sad girl.