Love, (A Series)

2.14.16 // Love, A Lonely Girl

Do you know what the worst feeling is?

It's knowing that your mind is so caught up in such a bad place and you so desperately want it all to stop. It's knowing that no one but you can see your internal war because you tried so desperately to spare everyone from the crossfires. It's knowing that you're insane for expecting someone, anyone to notice you're a little off, to check up on you, to care about you for even a second but you're let down every fucking time because how do they know you're even hurting if you don't let them in? You're a coward. It's knowing that you want people to look after you as much as you try to look after them but asking them point blank is pitiful so you just shut your mouth and suffer in silence. It's knowing that you've reached a point where fake sympathy and seemingly obligated love feels better than none of the above. That their attempts of help are nothing more than a chore because who really wants to care for the broken girl when they have a million better options lining up in place of you. But you let them regardless because you like the attention you never received. You'll take any second glance you can get. It's knowing one day everyone you've ever loved will realize that you're just a sad girl who can't be fixed and they'll leave. Everyone will walk away and if you were feeling lonely now, that day will feel a thousand times worse.

And the saddest thing of them all is knowing how despite everything, you still choose to run through this vicious cycle of not opening up, of people not attempting to care, of everyone walking away and you do nothing about it to change anything. You never do anything about it because you've fallen into this constant circling, something you've become so accustomed to. You're silently breaking and you know it, yet at the end of the day you put a smile on your face and laugh along with your friends because it's easier. It's easier than broadcasting your vulnerability. It's easier than telling people who you think will never understand. So you keep the cycle going because it's worked this long. Any other path has yet to be tested and you're too afraid of a wrong outcome to try.

And maybe that's where it all boils down to: fear. And you're scared of fear itself. You're scared of letting all your walls fall down for people who don't care. You're scared of letting people in for those that won't acknowledge your suffering or choose not to because tackling on that problem is too much for them to handle. You're scared of one day it consuming and overwhelming you too much that your facade will break and once it does, everyone will choose to not stay. You're so scared this will last the rest of your life, of having to reserve your emotions and feelings for the betterment of everyone else because you think it's the best option for you.

One day when you're ninety and look back at your life at nineteen, you'll see you were afraid of nothing. That there were people you were oblivious to that wanted to help. That not everyone chose the run away option. That in the end the one person you were truly scared of was your own self. But I'm not ninety. I'm nineteen. Nineteen and sad and afraid and so so alone. And that's the worst feeling.

Love,

A Lonely Girl.