Love, (A Series)

9.23.15 // Love, A Summer Girl

This summer has been one of the most magical experiences I have lived thus far. If I could summarize the past four months in two words it would be letting go. I stripped myself of mistakes and scars and puncture wounds and allowed myself to embrace the unknown and unfamiliarity of my future with a clean slate. So many things happened to me and in this roller coaster rush of happy emotions, I forgot I was ever at my lowest point a mere few months ago.

I found myself. I found myself in so many different places this summer. I found myself within the surroundings of people that restored my beliefs in hope and faith and happiness. I found myself among crowds upon crowds of strangers that made me feel so belonged, like a girl returning to a home she's never been. I found myself in the midst of the ever so curious minds of wondrous youths. And if given the chances, I would relive and find myself a thousand times more. Finally learning who you are is the single most blissful thing I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

Music was such a big part of my happiness. I got to meet Max Schneider, a boy I've loved since I was 15. The bassist of American Authors tweeted me. I got a selfie with the lead singer of Train when he jumped into the crowd. I went to an endless string of concerts (7 to be exact: 5SOS [2x], Rixton + Jessie J, Fall Out Boy, Taylor Swift, The Script, Train + Ellie Goulding) and among them all, I felt so free. Free of insecurity, of pain, of judgment. And I let myself fall in love. Fall in love with bands I've never heard of until that night and with artists I've been devoted to for years. I sung until my voice ran thin, I jumped and danced until my feet ached, I cried until my emotions ran dry, I smiled until it hurt too much. I found myself every single time the lights fell down and allowed myself to let go of everything. To simply feel free and belonged.

(I'm going to give a quick shoutout to Taylor because I've never loved anyone more than I love her. I have all her albums. I know all the words. I've gone through every emotion and situation outlined within her lyrics. The last time I saw her live was on her Speak Now tour in 2011. Four years is a rather long time to wait but my god was it everything I ever hoped for and more. The 1989 tour was quite possibly the single best thing that's ever happened to me. I've never felt more at home than being with her and 50,000 other adoring fans on a Friday night. Her clean speech was the highlight of my night. She talked about happiness for three straight minutes and for those three straight minutes, it felt like she was only talking to me. I've never had such a speech affect me the way hers did. It was like she knew exactly how I was feeling without me ever saying a single word to her. I could relate to everything she had said. She made me feel not alone in my situations. Here she was telling me it was going to be ok. That I was loved. That I will find happiness and not be afraid of it fleeting.)

I also landed my first job this summer. I was a summer camp recreational leader for elementary school kids and it was the most rewarding experience. It made me realize how much I loved kids and how maybe this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. I made so many friends with the little ones and I went to visit two weeks later I was bombarded with I miss yous. I've never felt so much love before but being enveloped in five year old's arms is the best feeling in the entire world. One kid always would tell me that he loved me every time he left in the afternoon. Another loved braiding my hair in what she called "the Elsa hairstyle." Her sister loved showing me how well she could hula hoop. A first grader held my hand every chance she got. A kindergartner put flowers in my hair every time we past a bush with daisies. A second grader made me push her on the swings but I never minded especially when I saw how her face lit up every time she went higher and higher. One built a birthday cake with me on the beach with sticks when neither of us wanted to go swim nor wanted to be alone. For a girl who struggled so much with fitting in and being wanted, those seven weeks I spent with those kids made me feel like I belonged all along. I hope I get to come back next summer because it is an opportunity not worth giving up.

If there was only one thing I could take away from this summer, it is that letting go allows so many new things to fill the void left by sadness. It isn't easy trust me when you're thick with a haunting past and ghosts and fears, but when you are ready to, I hope you know it will be the best decision you will ever make. You get to be brand new. To take control of your life again. And you get to be happy. That's the most beautiful emotion you can ever feel and I felt it in a million different ways this summer. I was so happy. I am still so happy. So unbelievably happy. And for the first time in so long, I am completely in love with my life. With who I am and who I've become. I am in love with the person that I have finally found. All thanks to Summer 2015.

Love,

A summer girl.