Outside and Inside

Part 7

My dearest Joel,

The spring water was fine. I did not get sick at all so excitedly led my father to the spring and we have all been able to drink our fill. There have definitely been odd looks aimed towards me but only Emma knows the truth and I trust her to keep our secret.

That is the only good piece of news I have to write as things have deteriorated badly here. Five people have died since I last wrote. We have not been able to bury them so have moved the bodies in to the house that was occupied by Mabel and Thomas before their deaths. There are another ten people sick. My mother is still hanging on but I am worried that she may not be able to for much longer.

My father is alternating between worrying and hovering over Mum, and venting his frustrations in any way he can. I am ashamed to say that he led the assault on the supply truck. I would never have believed him to be capable of such behaviour before but out here we have to do whatever we can just to survive.

Two men waved the truck down as it approached our camp. When it stopped my father pulled the driver from the truck and he, together with Harry, held him while the others broke in to the back and pulled the supplies on to the road. I was so scared that they would beat the man but they let him go. We all had a feast that day and with new blankets we will be warmer tonight. I am only sorry that there was no medicine for us to treat the sick with.

You must know as I do that by arriving in Mortown with an empty truck the driver sentenced himself to death. If only he had turned back he might still be alive. Are you and I partly to blame, Joel? I had never seen this man before. He had never driven the supply truck. By warning off Slovarek we brought about his fate. But even knowing that, I am sure that we did the right thing; if not for Slovarek we would have been lost to each other.

The people or person in charge of Mortown must be mad. How could somebody be executed because the truck he was driving was held up and robbed? What crazed kind of logic is that? I feel sick with guilt but I know that if I see Slovarek again I will be glad of what I have done. This craziness has turned me in to such a selfish person. I would sacrifice everyone just to be back with you.

Emma is worrying me. Like me, she has so far avoided the sickness but has taken to spending more time off on her own, staring at the fence that is keeping her from her home. I am very afraid of what she might do. If I try to speak to her she just looks at me for a moment then walks away.

That is one of the hardest parts of being here. Apart from Kate I have no one to talk to now Mum is sick. My father and brother are both totally unapproachable. The men have very little to do with the women apart from at night.

Do you still believe that we will be together? I try so hard to hold on to that thought. Your letters were such a comfort to me and now I have lost the chance to hear from you and I am feeling so very alone.

Yours desperate with love, Amber.

***

Dear Joel,

I so much wish that I had heard from you. It makes me sick to think of you behind the wire in that place and me unable to reach you. Since the execution of the supplies driver I have been tormented by worries over your safety. What if someone has seen you writing or passing on notes or supplies? I have no doubt what your fate would be then and I could not bear it.

Mum died several days ago. In some ways it was a relief because she was suffering so much and there was not a thing that I could do to help. Three more of us have died since then. The bodies are still being kept in the house. I wanted to accompany Mum's body but I am ashamed to admit that I didn't. The smell there is horrendous. I could not face the prospect of seeing bodies in various states of decay. I did not want to be confronted with what is going to happen to her.

I really need to see you, to be comforted by you. My father is totally lost to me. It is as though I no longer exist as a person to him. I want to be able to talk about the good times we once had, to think of Mum how she used to be before there was an Outside and an Inside. But maybe that would just make the present even more unbearable. I feel so confused, everything is jumbled up inside me. The only thing I am sure of is that I really, really need you!

Then there is the problem of Carl. Whenever he is around he is staring at me. If you remember he always was a bit creepy, hanging around and watching us together. Since Mum's death he has got more persistent. He follows me. He stands really close to me. He says that now you are lost I should turn to him.

I'd rather be alone in the world than to replace you with anyone, especially him. But I am scared. I have watched him speak to my father, watched as they both turned in my direction. I have watched my father nod to Carl and I am terrified of what he might have agreed to without so much as consulting me.

I am so sorry to say all these things to you when you are helpless to reassure me, but I have to say them to someone. Emma is all but lost to me now. She just sits and stares at the wire, rocking herself backwards and forwards. I think she has had a total breakdown. She doesn't eat, she doesn't drink and if I approach her it is as though I am not even there. She just doesn't see me.

I'm trying so hard not to give up hope. Perhaps you will all manage to overthrow whoever is causing this madness. I would love to tear down the fences so we could all be as we were. But I don't know, could we ever go back to being as we were when so many bad things have happened.

Dearest Joel, do you think Slovarek will ever return? And if he does, will he chance passing on our letters now the consequences have been made so clear? I'll keep on writing while I still have paper, or at least while I still have the tiniest bit of hope.

Still yours forever, Amber.